The Journey

I came across this while browsing something entirely different, and it seemed, in my current crisis of self, to be meant for me....

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire.The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when?

Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Alfred D Souza said, "For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time ... and remember that time waits for no one...

So stop waiting until you finish school, until you go back to school, until you lose ten pounds, until you gain ten pounds, until you have kids, until your kids leave the house, until you start work, until you retire, until you get married, until you get divorced, until Friday night, until Sunday morning, until you get a new car or home, until your car or home is paid off, until spring, until summer, until fall, until winter, until you are off welfare, until the first or fifteenth, until your song comes on, until you've had a drink, until you've sobered up, until you die, until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy...Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

Baked Salmon

This week's recipe is inspired by my husband's latest trip to Alaska...he brought back 50 pounds of salmon! This recipe is for a fillet weighing roughly two to three pounds.

~Preheat your oven to 425.
~Beat one egg and a teaspoon or two of garlic salt.
~Add a half a cup mayonnaise (go low fat, your arteries will thank you), minced onion to taste (I use about a fourth cup), a teaspoon of celery seed, a sprinkle of taragon, and a little dill if you have it.
~Lay salmon fillet in baking dish, skin side down, and top with mixture. Sprinkle on a little parmesan. Bake until fish is flaky, somewhere between 13 and 20 minutes.

This goes great with some garlic roast potatoes and carrots, which can be thrown in the oven while you get your fish ready and be done at the same time. If you don't fancy scrubbing fish skin from your pan, line it with foil first.

Ellery's Birthday!

Today is the day, my baby is one. It's exciting and sad all at the same time. A year ago I held her in my arms and breathed her sweet newborn scent. A few months ago I watched her roll over for the first time, heard her first belly giggle rolling out. Not too long ago, she took her first steps. The small things I couldn't wait for her to learn she now does without me and without a thought. It's a funny thing, motherhood; your very job is to work yourself out of a job. You guide, you teach, and then you stand back and watch them do it by themselves. I feel a fierce pride when I see her toddle around the house, or figure out which block goes where, or shake her tiny butt in a dance, but I also feel a keen sense of loss with each new accomplishment. It takes us one step closer to the time when she'll ride off on a school bus, throw her tassled cap in the air, walk down an aisle, and ultimately, leave me to start her own journey of life and motherhood. No one fully explained this ride to me. All the advice, from teething to sleeping patterns, seems pale in the face of what I wasn't told. How I would feel the pain of each hurt as acutely as if it were my own, how I would become a champion who could ward off monsters and kiss away boo boos, how my life would cease to be my own and would instead meld into these tiny beings who I call my children. They are the best part of me, my inspiration, and my strength. Things that I am not capable of doing for myself I can do for them. They make me feel happy and sad, proud and angry, and most of all....blessed.

Tonight I will think of all these things while I watch my little girl dig into her first cake and open her first birthday presents, and tomorrow morning, she will wake up, another milestone passed, another step away from me. And years from now I will open her scrapbook and see her sweet face, and then I will call her, perhaps, and talk to the woman who will always be my little girl.

Aidyn's Day...

Today was Aidyn's surgery! He wasn't able to eat from midnight on, which meant by the time we checked into the hospital at 11:30 he was starting to get a little angry. He explored the waiting room with a friend who came to play with him until his grandma showed up, and then he amused her for awhile. Finally, they called us back and he changed into his little hospital pajamas and drank the "happy juice", an anti-anxiety medication. Then they wheeled him back and started. About an hour later they came and got me, he was just starting to wake up and he was NOT happy. He was crying and screaming, mostly disoriented and very unhappy about all the tubes connected to him. I finally managed to get him settled down, and after awhile they took all the tubes out and he went to sleep in my arms. The second time he woke up he was in a much better mood and we were discharged after they cared for his little member. He has about ten miniscule little stiches and it's a little swollen, but he's in a great mood, eating popsicles like crazy and watching his favorite dinosuar movie now. They think everything will be great!

And why is there no mention of Evan in this little summary? Because he was in another part of the hospital with our daughter. I was fed up with the cranky teething and decided to have her checked out. Her diagnosis? Hand foot and mouth virus. Yes, as gross as it sounds. Apparantly there's nothing they can do but let it run it's course, so we have another week of the crankies. The worst part is it's caused little blisters in her mouth that make it painful for her to eat. Never a good thing in my opinion.

Anyway, that's a pretty apt description of the day. Thanks to all of you who helped out with and were praying for Aidyn, especially Becky and Stacy. You guys were lifesavers today!

Clarity and Surrender

I feel like my life is a constant series of events at this point, with no down time, no calm, nothing but jumble. Between trying to keep a home, being a mother and wife, dealing with the individual issues that have come up, and starting Baby Bean, it just seems to be spiraling right out of my control. So many things seem to be beyond me. I just want a little peace of quiet, to quote a book of the same name. The worst part is the guilt. Guilt when I clean the house because I'm not spending time with the kids, guilt when I skip the cleaning to play with them instead. Guilt because I'm too tired to spend time with my husband at night and would rather go to bed. Guilt when I let the kids watch *gasp* the television. It seems motherhood is one big helping of guilt, with sides of regret and near hopelessness. Regret that I yelled when I ran out of patience, or hurried them through a park instead of playing five more minutes. And hopelessness that I will ever be the mom I truly want to be.

Tonight while I was getting Aidyn ready for bed, with all of the reservations about tomorrow's surgery on my wildly overactive mind, I had the sudden, horrible, gut wrenching thought - "What if something went wrong and he never came home?" All the times I could've read the book one more time, or played instead of doing dishes. All the memories I could have made if I weren't so busy to notice, the extra scoop of ice cream - all of the little insignificant things that make life so worthwhile, the things that take so little but mean so much - what if I missed those and never got the chance to do them again? Needless to say I was in tears at this point, but also felt such an overwhelming gratitude that I get this small space in time. A time that from now on won't be wasted on the random chores, the harsh words, the exasperation that really doesn't matter. From now on, I won't hesitate to play a little longer, have that second snack, or ignore the chores that can wait. I will devote my every fiber into being the mom I want to be. The mantra that has been mine, the "someday I'll do it", will be today.

The truth is, I'm anal about keeping a clean house. It annoys me to the point of heartburn to see a sink full of dishes or an unswept floor. And I love Baby Bean, love feeling like I'm doing something for me, something that I love, something that matters. I love seeing one of my new designs in use, love talking to my team about ideas for the future, love planning and creating and doing. But are either of these, or any of the other random thoughts and deeds that fill my days and weeks worth more to me than my children and my spouse? My loves who fill me with happiness and give me a purpose more real than anything I've experienced? The man who would give me the sky with the moon and the stars still attached if he could? The answer is a resounding no.

This post marks the beginning of a new phase for me. A phase in which I push the things that don't matter to the side and focus on what's left in front of me...which will be Evan and Aidyn and Ely. Don't get me wrong. I still have big plans for Baby Bean, and certain places will freeze over before I stop mopping and reorganizing closets, but it will be done now with a mindfullness that has been lacking.

Mei Tai Madness!

So Ellery is teething, and it has been BAD. My mei tai has been on for hours, which is making me more and more thankful for it. The more I think about it, the more I want to sing about it, so here's a post, devoted to my mei tai, the most important parenting tool I've stumbled upon.

For those who don't know, my love affair with my mei tai started with my daughter. My son was very independent from the start, so imagine my surprise when baby girl popped out wailing every time she was set down. A shoulder sling sufficed for the first few months, but the older and heavier she got, the harder it became to tote her around. A mother in a breastfeeding group I went to showed me the basics, and I made my first one.

It was glorious. The clouds parted, angels sang. I could wear her for hours without feeling the effects in my back and shoulders. And Ely? She could nurse, play, and sleep without fussing, safe beside mama.

Mei tais have been used for hundreds of years in Asian cultures, and recent studies have shown the benefits of "wearing" your baby. Worn babies have been shown to be happier overall and learn more quickly.

I've seen many beautifully designed mei tais. My personal goals when I designed mine were comfortable straps that didn't cut into the shoulders and waist like so many carriers do, ease of use for myself and others, and of course, my baby's comfort.
The Baby Bean carrier, which is currently being redesigned, will have all of these features. The straps are wide and padded three times over, with Warm and Natural products. This prevents uncomfortable bunching at your sides and shoulders. The body is reversible, with a fun, patterned fabric on one side, and a solid on the other. Each seam is reinforced twice for safety. New add on features include a flip up head rest and a detachable nursing cover.

I use my mei tai every day with Ely. Shopping used to be a nightmare, as anyone with two kids can attest to. Now, it's so simple. Best of all, it also fits my husband, so he can share special time with his baby girl. Cooking, camping, shopping, hiking...my mei tai has seen it all and proved it's worth over and over.

I love my Mei Tai!

Ely girl enjoying a nap.

Little Evelyn takes it for a spin.

A new mei tai, ready to be shipped.

A day in the park, loving her mei tai.

Showing a friend the ins and outs of tying.

Crazy/Beautiful

That's life right now. Mostly crazy with those inexplicable moments of beautiful that make it all worthwhile. Top of my crazy list right now is Aidyn. He's been diagnosed with a rare problem called meatal stenosis. It basically entails, for reasons unknown, the tip of his little member closing up, making urination virtually impossible. He has to go in for surgery on Friday. How do you explain that to a two year old? Needless to say, my anxiety levels are through the roof. The other child is now getting molars....ugh. Fever, crankiness, diaper rash, we've got it all. Thank God for my mei tai or my arms would be noodles.

Evan and I have recently decided that we need to overhaul a bit. Well, mostly me. I've been so mixed up with everything going on that I've lost control of my own life and it's just been carrying me along. Everything, from my routines, finances, diet, faith....it's all getting tweaked until I'm back where I'm supposed to be. I'm starting a new exercise plan this week, along with a healthier diet (read: no more twinkies for lunch). I'm also setting up a better routine to juggle my kids, husband, work, play, and life in general. Baby Bean is exciting for me, but I need to keep focus on my family and friends too.

Keep your fingers crossed for me this week, I'll need it with everything that's going on!

When I say I am a Christian.....

I am a christian. Some people will quit reading right there, and to be honest, I can't blame them. In today's society, the lines of true faith have been blurred and smudged, atrocious acts and hateful words carried out in the name of religion. Men and women who are supposed to be leaders and examples are found too often in the headlines as a discredit to their faith.
Many will wonder how I can hear about these things and still believe; many more ask, when looking at my life and the things I've done in the past, how dare I? The answer isn't simple. I grew up in the knowledge of a gracious God above, secure and replete, and I never questioned it. God wasn't an abstract idea in our household, he was a living entity. Then a series of events, including the death of my father and a falling out with my mother that put me out on my own, caused a definate shift in the foundations of my faith and left a gaping hole in my heart where God once dwelt. The years that followed were filled with loneliness and vain attempts to fill the space left behind. I did more stupid things to myself and others than I care to think about. I've never been so unhappy. Even after I'd cleaned up a bit and found stability in my marraige and kids, I still felt something missing.
Then one day, in a wave of shining revelation, it hit me just how much I missed God. I was tired of carrying around the bitterness, guilt, and shame. It's taken some time, but the void in my heart is healing and filling with His love once again. The journey hasn't been easy, and there are no simple answers. I guess the answer to the burning questions is true faith - believing in what you can't see and therefore, can't really prove. My faith, my love for God, are tangible to me. I feel his love in and around me. I believe that his mercy can save even one who's screwed up as much as me. I don't waste my life in worry or unease, because I know I have a heavenly father who ultimately has my best interests at heart. It may be hard to accept the heartbreak in life, but it's easier knowing the burden is shared with one more capable of carrying it than I.
To those who would question me, I wonder of them: How can you not believe? Look at a newborn baby, perfectly created from just a few cells, or the reds and pinks in the sunrise of a new day, and you'll have your answer. I'm not naive enough to think that life is a coinidence, nor arrogant enough to believe that we simply came to exist from nothing. God has had a hand in everything that has been, and whether you choose to believe it, knows what will come. I can't say that my life will be perfect - there will be hurt, and sickness, and even death. Christians suffer the same day to day fates that plague the rest of humanity, the difference is the ability to see beyond the present hurt and know future joy. This world and it's pain will pass away, but because of my savior, I will know the beauty and happiness of the next.
"Whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world - our faith." - 1 John 5:4

Evan...

I could probably babble into infinity about all of the things that drive me crazy and make me melt about Evan, but I'll do my best to do him justice in this shortened timeframe. He's everything that makes me smile and cry at the same time. When we first got married, I read a saying that went, "A successful marraige requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.". Nothing could be more true. Everyday he teaches me something new and beautiful about life and fills it with memories I'll cherish forever. He's the most original person I've ever met. He sings off key at random moments. He is obsessive about his routines. He makes up diddies about the kids' diapers. He'll spend an hour in the toy aisle picking out one matchbox car for Aidyn. The most beautiful thing about him is the way he loves; he's slow to anger and quick to forget, completely loyal without reason, and I've never seen him put his happiness ahead of anyone elses. He's pulled me outside in the middle of the night to kiss me in the first snow of the year. He laughs and gives me a score when I burp. He calls me in the middle of the day to say he loves me. Most of all, he simply puts up with me. He'll hold me while I cry for no reason, listen to my ranting without judgement, and never complains about my odd way of going about things. Evan is the epitome of everything honest and faithful. For these reasons and millions more, I love him - not just because of who he is, but who he has made me.

Is Love Enough?

I used to think that love was enough...now I know better. When we're young we have wildly optimistic and romantic notions about love and life. We're told we can do anything we put our minds to, all you need is love, and when one door closes another opens. I used to believe that...then I had kids. What none of those people tell you is that the door that closes is in reality being slammed in your face by your angry two year old, while the only thing on your mind is how much you'd like to lock said two year old in a closet and fly somewhere tropical. And let me tell you, at that point you realize love is never enough. At some point reality sets in...mortgage payments, mountains of laundry, and three hundred tantrums about no chocolate for breakfast. But then sometimes, in the middle of the daily grind I call my life, my four month old smiles her big gummy smile at me. Sometimes Aidyn takes my hand and pulls me to his room to play cars with him. Sometimes while making dinner, I peek into the living room to watch Evan holding our two little wonders in his arms in a rare moment of calm, seemingly oblivious to the hectic world around them. And at that point I realize, sometimes, love is exactly enough.

Such a Beautiful Morning!

So today was a beautiful day at the park! The munchkins and I went to Riverfront with some friends and enjoyed some walking and playtime. It was HOT out there today!


After nap time we went to our favorite JoAnn fabric store and got new material for some special order mei tais and diapers.

Today was also a mini planning day for the staff of Baby Bean, I told you exciting things are on the way! The new product line is going to be phenomenal!


On a completely unrelated note, I was going through posts from my old blog and have decided to repost a few here. For those who don't know me and are interested, they offer some insight into this crazy little world of mine.

Not too much to say today, so I'll just get on with the reposts...

Just a note: I made a killer shrimp pasta last night....zuchinni, peppers, onions, corn, and peas!

The News!

Good Morning!

Last week I hired an awesome designer to redo the Baby Bean website. Her name is Tabatha of Tickled Pink Designz. I saw the finished template this weekend, and it is amazing! The colors and patterns, it's all exactly what I wanted, before I even knew I wanted it! Great new things are happening behind the scenes too! I'm working with several other WAHMs to establish a great new product line. That's right, we have a new "staff". The further along things progress, the more excited I am about it.

We managed to somehow hook a 15 minute spot on a radio show to promote ourselves. It will air in late September, which will coincide perfectly with the re-grand opening of the new site. We hope to have our newest product line up and ready at that time too.

In other news....

Ely girl started walking this weekend, her little steps are the cutest thing I've seen in a long time. She's still pretty shaky, but getting better every day.

Aidyn has been at the doctor quite a bit the past couple of weeks. They're afraid he has something called meatal stenosis. If you don't know what that is...well, it's a closing of the meatus....look it up :) Anyway, it may or may not require surgery, so fingers crossed and prayers our way!

Evan is gearing up for his annual trip to Alaska. They're going for salmon and halibut this year, but I think they're hoping a few black rockfish jump the line too, because they sure were yummy last year!

As for me, I'm just busy doing what mommies do. With the new stuff at Baby Bean and at home, I am one busy woman!

To Elaborate...

Welcome to my blog!

I'm not quite sure how to start this. I'm Tawny, obviously, and I'm a SAHM. That pretty much defines my life at this point. I've been married for almost three years to the most wonderful, patient, and hysterical man I've ever met. He sings off key, he makes an awesome fried rice, and he adores me. Enough said. We have two kids, Aidyn and Ellery. Aidyn is two, which by definition means terror. He loves Spongebob and anything that has wheels. He's lately taken to using my one swear word with gusto (s*%$!). He also has decided it's proper etiquette to talk about things like poop and the difference between boys and girls in grocery lines. Mostly, he's a fun kid and has a very laid back nature. His sister, who we call Ely, will be one this month. She is the coolest little girl ever. She also has a temper that erupts in about .03 seconds. It has to be a record. She enjoys a good tune; she's a dancing fool. Day to day activities for the three of us include coloring, Spongebob fests, carpet picnics, rousing games of hide and go seek, and the occasional outting to a sunny park. Besides these three people, the next best part of my life is my mommy friends, who are also my sanity. What I would do without them, I have no idea. They are my therapists, my work out buddies, my coffee connection, my sounding boards, and my daily inspiration.

The last few months have been busy ones for me; I just started my own business, Baby Bean Designs. So now on top of my full time gig of mommyhood, I get to add CEO to my resume. Baby Bean, coined from the nicknames of our children in utero, specializes in natural parenting with a hip flair. This means that we supply natural, attachment parenting type products, like mei tai carriers, nursing covers, and cloth diapers, that are also trendy in style and design. Right now the website is in production, which is so exciting for me. Stay tuned for updates from that front!