Got Ma Herrs Did...

For months now I have bemoaning my post baby self. Perhaps one of the things I miss most is my long flowing hair, and the time to take care of it. Both disappeared completely a few months after baby number two :)

It's normal for women to lose a fairly large amount of hair after pregnancy, it happened with Aidyn and so I expected it after Ely. What I did not expect, however, was to still be losing it over a year later. My hair has thinned considerably, which any curly haired gal will tell you means dull and lank locks. Not pretty. I found myself having to pull my hair back day after day, and finally, about a month ago, I got sick of it and called up Juli, my hair lady. The soonest appointement she had was for this last Friday, so I spent the month sorting through hairstyles and colors looking for something that would make me feel vibrant and fun again.

A day before the appointment, having already settled my mind on a simple bob, I saw a picture of Samaire Armstrong. Her hair was uber short, but fun and flippy and all around, gorgeous. The next day, I walked into Juli's with the picture and said, "I want this, and I want some serious color." She took me at my word and I walked out four hours later with this:

I cannot even tell you how fabulous it makes me feel. I love the pink, it gives me a little zap every time I feel it. And the cut, while SHORT, is so fun and full and adds so much. Better still, no more pulling it back! It looks awesome with a fun headband, hot straightened out, and Evan says he even likes it au natural and curly, says it reminds him of a flapper 'do.

If you want to see some serious before and afterage, check out this ALBUM in my MySpace profile, and feel free to leave some feedback!

It's a bird, It's a plane, no it's...Nakie Baby!

Ellery has hit the nakie baby phase. I get her out of her bath, dress her in a warm little outfit, and turn to do the same to her brother. Without warning, I see a streak of baby buns and she runs by, naked as the day she was born, giggling hysterically all the while. How she manages to remove several layers of clothing and her diaper in such a short timeframe, I really don't know. Then of course, there's the screaming fight while I try to put the unwanted clothing back on her little behind. It's made for some interesting days over the past week.

Aidyn watched the whole thing with detatched bemusement. "Baby naked", he remarks as she runs by once again waving the diaper that is supposed to be on her over her head. As I catch her once more and start the struggle to reclothe, he shakes his head and sighs, "Bad baby".

My mother, in her infinite wisdom, bought a case of 100 colored balls, much the same as you see in those germ infested cesspools known as "playlands" in fast food joints. It takes exactly 7 minutes to track down and stow every one of those balls back in their case; it takes under three seconds to empty, and only another five to scatter to every far reaching corner in the house.

Needless to say, we're having a fun morning between the balls, the sporadic naked moments, and the running commentary of a two year old.

Swirling Leaves Outside my Window

Well, my mother left this morning. Horrible depressing and happily relieving at the same time. I'm not sure when I'll get to see her again (probably not until next spring or summer), which is the sad part, but it is nice to have the house to myself again.

I am loving fall! Each season does something for me, but fall holds a special place in my heart. The slowly falling temperatures that mean I can pull out my comfortable sweaters and turn the heat on inside. The crisp air outside that seems to snap. The riot of reds and golds as the trees put on their best fall colors, and the crunch the leaves make as the kids and I play in them. The smell of casseroles and baked goods wafting from my oven. The palpable feeling of the holidays approaching fast, and the joy and happiness they bring. Nothing makes me happier these days than sitting on the couch with a nice hot cup of tea or coffee, my computer or a good book handy, and the kids playing happily on the floor at my feet.

Today the kids and I spent a happy aternoon doing just that. They are getting so entertaining! We color and wrestle and watch cartoons and read and before I know it, my day is past and it's time to start dinner. I love it!

With my mom gone, I should be back to regular postings now. Here's hoping you're loving your fall as much as I am!

So sorry...

My mother, grandma, and little brother have been in town for the last few days, so I haven't been on to write. I'll be back soon, they're leaving Monday!

Career Goals

It's funny how sometimes God puts what we need to know right in front of us at the perfect time in our lives. Last night, I was bemoaning my lack of purpose, my lack of direction to my husband. While I couldn't explain it in a way that would make sense to anyone (even myself!), the fact is I've been missing a reason. When a person has a job, they want to do well. The reason? Getting paid, a promotion, praise, and any number of other beneficial adjuncts to a career. Being a stay at home mom is truly a blessing, however, it does make for a rather confusing "job". A mother's entire self worth is based on her ability to mother and nurture. With a job, if you follow commands and do good, you receive the payoff. In the career of mother, your payoff (which to me would be a well behaved child who follows commands and eats all of his vegetables) depends on the emotional state of little beings who believes that lack of chocolate milk for lunch is tantamount to the Great Depression and is grounds for kicking, screaming, and occasionally throwing said lunch from table. Motherhood is a career that is destined to be thankless, which can leave even the best mommies feeling they are lacking.

After sleeping on these troubling thoughts, I woke up this morning and turned to my devotionals, which from first glance had little to do with anything occupying my mind, but turned out to be the balm I needed for my mental worries. This one was about the fruit of goodness, which is similar to but also very different from kindness. Goodness means active benevolence. The gist of this is that God has a predetermined purpose for us, based not on our abilities, but abilities for the common good. The result of doing these good works is God's praise and an increase of responsibility.

If, instead of looking at my "job" in a worldly sense, I looked at it in a godly sense, perhaps I could find the meaning, the reason, the worth that can't be found in the daily grind of motherhood. God entrusted these two little beings to me. He gave me a wonderful husband to provide for us, and a nice home to live in. If I look for my worth in these, heaven knows I'm doomed to fail. Kids are, as previously discussed, thankless (especially in toddlerhood!), and husbands, regardless of how great they are, could never give you enough praise to make endless laundry and dishes worthwhile. If instead I start looking at my family and my job as the tasks God has entrusted me with, and look to him for my reward in them, I think I'll find the reason I've been so desperately lacking, the worth I've been unable to find. If he believes that I can do it, and has faith in my abilities, than do I ever really need the praise of another to keep me motivated? It sure is nice, but from now on, I think I will try harder to find my worth in God's eyes, since he is the one who delegated this to me in the first place.

Granola Thoughts...

So lately I've been doing some research about "going green". My household already does the obvious ones, recycling and cloth diapers and such, but I've been compiling ways to go farther. Replacing all of our current energy hogging bulbs with CFLs, insulating our water heater and pipes, weather proofing the doors and windows, learning how to compost - things that are relatively easy but make such an impact in the long run.

It's ironic how buying earth friendly products, much like buying healthier food at the market, is more expensive than the usual alternatives. However, long term costs far outweigh the initial investment, much like cloth diapers. Our family spent almost one hundred dollars every month on disposable diapers. Our upfront cloth cost was right at five hundred, which means in five months we'd already made up the difference. Between the two kids, we still have at least a year and a half of diapers, which means we will have saved, at a minimum, $1800 dollars. Quite the difference! Most green products put money back in your pocket in the same way; the new light bulbs are about eight bucks apiece. That seems exorbitant next to the box of four that costs two, but when you realize that each bulb cuts down on energy consumption (saving you money on your electric bill) and lasts for 10 years (a big savings considering those cheap ones last only a year or so, and that's if you're lucky), then the savings really do pan out.

I am adding a new label into my posts, "Going green", which will document my family's change into a greener way of living and the products and ways in which we accomplish it. Every generation brings us closer to utterly destroying this planet, and too many have the mind set that it's not their problem. It's small steps that save so much, I read a fact this morning that said if just one household simply recycled their newspapers, we'd save 250,000,000 trees annually. Baby steps toward a giant step for this planet!

Alarm or no Alarm?

I've noticed something peculiar lately.

Since I returned from Uncle Matt's funeral in Montana, I've not been in my routine of getting up before five to do my devotionals and get ready for my day. One would think that two extra hours of sleep would make one's day better, but it seems the opposite is true for me. My days have been completely discombobulated lately, and I really think it's because I'm not giving myself that time in the morning. Yes, I'm technically losing sleep that way, but because I get time all to myself right away to center and prepare mentally for the day, I actually end up feeling more calm and rested. So back to the alarm for me...

I received a rather large order for diapers last night, tentatively forty. A lady adopted five children, three of which are in diapers, and she wants to cloth diaper them all. Good for her! So I'm working with her right now to find the best set up for her needs. It's funny, because I don't even have the diaper line listed yet, so she'll be my first diaper order. I'm considering licensing under an already well developed diaper line, which would free up some time for me. The downside is that would mean that while I would be selling through my company, it technically wouldn't be my diaper line, and would bear their logo. Not a big deal, but if I'm doing the work anyway, I'd rather do it for my own company. We'll see what becomes of it.

Right now I'm off to do more work (it never ends!) to the site, and try to get myself more organized for what's coming up. Don't forget to check out Baby Bean frequently for all of our newest products!

Random Tidbits of the Heart....

In my daily Internet wanderings, I found a little food for thought....

First of all, for all you married couples, a very simple expounding on a previous post:

Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrong doing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

When I say I love you it means:
* I will be patient with you
* I will be kind to you
* I will not be envious but will rejoice with you
* I will not be arrogant but will be humble
* I will not be rude but will speak and act with kindness
* I will not insist upon having my own way but will seek our mutual happiness
* I will not be irritable or resentful but instead forgiving and good natured.
* I will stand by you.

Three little words: I love you. How do you know I love you, by how I treat you.

Second, and this really is funny and thought provoking all at once, some marriage advice from kids:

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU SHOULD MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - - Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. - anonymous

(From http://m0smith.freeshell.org/blog-romance/blogger.html)

Love...

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two. ~Captain Corelli's Mandolin

I found this quite by accident this morning and fell in love with it. I love the idea that after the "blossom" of new love, you find the true roots of deep and caring love. I think a vast majority of people who get divorced suffer this very problem, the "falling" out of love. In many ways, love is like a tree. In the spring, it bursts into color, showing off it's splendid blooms. Through the summer it basks in a warm glow, content and rosy. Then the fall comes, and the colors fade. One by one the leaves fall, and then the winter is upon it, cold and fierce, seemingly without end. How sad and all too frequent are those days when it seems harder to be together than apart, when nothing goes right and you think, "This is not what I signed up for.". It would be much easier to give up, the days of warmth and sunshine a mere memory. If one waits, however, and gives the tree the proper nourishment it needs to grow, it will weather the storms of winter, and one day, probably when you least expect it, you will see a tiny bloom of color. I think this is a lesson for all of us. Appearances can be deceiving, make sure to tend the "roots", and the fruit will follow.

Three Years Later...

Three years seems like such a short time, but so much has happened in that space. Three years ago I was eloping with Evan, leaving family and friends behind to join myself forever to the man I was madly in love with. Already growing inside of me, Aidyn was our only witness, the proof of our devotion that seemed to spring up over night. When they found out, family was stunned and friends put bets on how long it would last. I supposed it must have looked crazy to those who couldn't understand. How could they?

Aidyn was born and we bought our first house, and somehow, year number one was gone. A fluke, they muttered behind our backs. Year number two brought a new job, a bigger house and another new baby, our Ely. Friends were openly amazed that it had lasted, less sure in their boasts as we watched their relationships crumble while ours continued loving. This last year has brought happiness and pain, many changes for the better and some we could have done without. Friends now apologize for their doubt, finally able to see what we saw so long ago.

I've loved Evan from the first month I knew him. My heart told me even then that he was the one, and it wasn't long before my mind followed. He's faithful and loyal, practical and steadfast, nurturing and loving. He loves me in all of my insane moods, and is the most wonderful father I could ever have imagined. He's my best friend, and every morning I get to wake up to him is a blessing that I could never have imagined possible. We've been through some crazy ups and downs, and always, our love has pulled us through.

Happy Anniversary Evey Pooh. I love you more now than the day you slid your ring on my finger and promised to be mine forever.

My Wonderwall

A little tweaking...

For the past year I've been slowly making changes in my life to try to change into the person I want to be. This may seem like a derogatory thing to say about oneself, but I don't mean it in that way at all. The problem is in the space of three years I've gotten married, had two kids, and started a business, which has completely skewed my perception of myself. Somewhere, long ago in a distant galaxy, there was a person named Tawny. She was confident and headstrong, unsure where she was going but unperturbed nonetheless. That person has become lost somewhere between the worlds of "hon" and "mommy", leaving me utterly lost in the section of self.

My first task was to become a better mommy; cloth diapers, a natural and healthy approach, and more attention where and when it matters. Second was to become a better wife, by striving to understand my husband and become what he needs in every aspect. I've left myself for last. Baby Bean was the start, something to give me the mental stimulation and excitement that housewifely duties sometimes lack. I've looked inward, I've come to grips spiritually, now all that's left is to turn that out. And so onto this next phase...

I'm going to start getting strict with myself. I need to start remembering to take care of myself somewhere in between everything else. Better eating, for one. No more skipped breakfasts and soda lunches. Better exercise is another; I need a consistent routine and a way to track results. Speaking of routine, I should probably get one of those too, for chores and work time and play time and just about everything. Having a daily schedule would probably go a long way toward ridding myself of super hectic days followed by days of severe boredom and gloom. I guess I just need to even it all out. I have the tools, I feel better inside, now I'd just like the outside to match.

I'll let you know how the next week goes. Wish me luck!

Soap Suds...

It's laundry day, that wonderful time of the week when I can no longer ignore the mountains of clothing piling up. When one needs a compass to simply navigate their own basement, I believe action is called for. For the rest of the day I will be absorbed in a world of lights and darks, diapers and towels, fabric softener and hangars. To tell you the truth, laundry day is one of my favorite days of the week. I get to stay home, curled up in sweats (because everything else is dirty). I get a modicum of exercise running up and down the stairs with baskets of laundry. I get to sit on the couch, mostly zoning while I fold and hang, and for some reason, my children actually want to help with this chore. Given, their towels and washrags come out with a more, well, unique method of folding, but it's bonding time all the same. And the neatly folded piles stacked in their drawers and the full closet with smartly hung hangars gives me such a feeling of accomplishment.

In other news, last night I cooked the YUMMIEST dinner ever! I was thinking about BLTs, and thought, well, how could one turn that into a dinner? I started by cubing some chicken into about one inch squares and wrapping each in a half piece or two of bacon. I laid them on a lightly greased pan, then sprinkled the tops with a little parmesan. A half hour in a 350 degree oven produced some mouthwatering results. I paired it with a tomato and romaine salad and some garlic breadsticks, and my family went crazy for it. Evan said I could make it every night if I wanted to, but I don't think his arteries would thank me for that :)

The interview on the radio show went well, and the website got a ton of hits in the last week. To tell you the truth it's more a hobby right now, and while it's doing really well and I'm getting great feedback from those who have ordered from me, it's nice to still have that laidback approach. In a few years I'll be able to step it up more, but right now I'm enjoying the flexibility.

Last but not least....I'm a mommy again! OK, well kind of :)

This is Amada, which means "beloved" in Spanish. A very fitting name as it relates perfectly to my devotionals lately. The kids absolutely love her, Aidyn follows her and plays with her constantly, Ely prefers a more laid back relationship of run by pettings. I love how she cuddles with me while the kids take their naps and I blog away or work on laundry. I'm sure there will be more pictures soon, she's too cute not to capture!

Anyway, cheers to you on laundry day!

Meandering Thoughts Returning Soon!

This week has been dedicated to my peace a mind and emotional well being, two attributes which have been decidedly lacking in light of recent events. Since the death of my father I've had a very hard time dealing with emotionally charged situations. I either freak out erratically, or fail to process altogether. My husband can account for my sometimes strange, or as he terms it "backassward", behavior in high stress situations. I think the problem is I put on a good show of coping; I will talk about how I feel and try to work things out in a manner that is most convincing, but hold back my true feelings and pen it up inside until it simply bursts out in a spew of uncontrollable emotion.

So this week, having recognized this strange cycle I put myself through, I did the exact opposite of my usual instincts (which would be to jump back into routine and quash my feelings while at the same time putting on a good outward face) and just....STOPPED. I didn't do hardly any chores, I spent time just sitting and reading with no TV or computer, I didn't worry about Baby Bean, and I relaxed. No errands, no vacuuming, nothing. It was glorious and disturbing at the same time. Glorious as I rarely take time to just sit without laundry to fold or a computer in my lap. Disturbing in the fact that with all this time on my hands and mind, I actually had to deal with the torrent of feelings that have been building in me recently. Feelings of sadness and regret over the death of my uncle, the guilt and inadequacy that every mother knows, shining hope mixed with doubt concerning my business venture. The nice thing is, as hard as the past few days have been, I feel like I've made some headway.

Over the next few days I am going to get back into my comfortable routine, secure now that it won't be a cover up for my overwrought emotions. The plan is to return to a calm state of mind so that I can thoroughly enjoy my anniversary with Evan on Sunday. I promise, this blog will soon return to it's former state of daily random chatter.