Clarity and Surrender

I feel like my life is a constant series of events at this point, with no down time, no calm, nothing but jumble. Between trying to keep a home, being a mother and wife, dealing with the individual issues that have come up, and starting Baby Bean, it just seems to be spiraling right out of my control. So many things seem to be beyond me. I just want a little peace of quiet, to quote a book of the same name. The worst part is the guilt. Guilt when I clean the house because I'm not spending time with the kids, guilt when I skip the cleaning to play with them instead. Guilt because I'm too tired to spend time with my husband at night and would rather go to bed. Guilt when I let the kids watch *gasp* the television. It seems motherhood is one big helping of guilt, with sides of regret and near hopelessness. Regret that I yelled when I ran out of patience, or hurried them through a park instead of playing five more minutes. And hopelessness that I will ever be the mom I truly want to be.

Tonight while I was getting Aidyn ready for bed, with all of the reservations about tomorrow's surgery on my wildly overactive mind, I had the sudden, horrible, gut wrenching thought - "What if something went wrong and he never came home?" All the times I could've read the book one more time, or played instead of doing dishes. All the memories I could have made if I weren't so busy to notice, the extra scoop of ice cream - all of the little insignificant things that make life so worthwhile, the things that take so little but mean so much - what if I missed those and never got the chance to do them again? Needless to say I was in tears at this point, but also felt such an overwhelming gratitude that I get this small space in time. A time that from now on won't be wasted on the random chores, the harsh words, the exasperation that really doesn't matter. From now on, I won't hesitate to play a little longer, have that second snack, or ignore the chores that can wait. I will devote my every fiber into being the mom I want to be. The mantra that has been mine, the "someday I'll do it", will be today.

The truth is, I'm anal about keeping a clean house. It annoys me to the point of heartburn to see a sink full of dishes or an unswept floor. And I love Baby Bean, love feeling like I'm doing something for me, something that I love, something that matters. I love seeing one of my new designs in use, love talking to my team about ideas for the future, love planning and creating and doing. But are either of these, or any of the other random thoughts and deeds that fill my days and weeks worth more to me than my children and my spouse? My loves who fill me with happiness and give me a purpose more real than anything I've experienced? The man who would give me the sky with the moon and the stars still attached if he could? The answer is a resounding no.

This post marks the beginning of a new phase for me. A phase in which I push the things that don't matter to the side and focus on what's left in front of me...which will be Evan and Aidyn and Ely. Don't get me wrong. I still have big plans for Baby Bean, and certain places will freeze over before I stop mopping and reorganizing closets, but it will be done now with a mindfullness that has been lacking.