A Black Sharpie

Yesterday I paid for my coffee and was handed back a dollar bill and three quarters. As I went to tuck the bill away in my wallet, I realized there was a big, bold line of permanent marker on the back, blacking out the words, "In God We Trust". It caught me so off guard I actually startled when I was given my coffee. All day I thought about the simple gesture that carried a heavy burden of significance. To me it was more than the feeling of one person, but the general consensus of a nation.

In God We Trust became our national motto in 1956 by an act of Congress. From that time forward, by law, all coin and paper money has carried this phrase. At one time, that was the hope of the nation, "..one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." The phrase first came into effect around the time of the American Civil War, when an increase of religious sentiment swept our country and letters began pouring in urging a recognition of God on American coins. The people were weary of war, ready for peace, and looking for a source of hope. How familiar that sounds.

Hundreds of years after our founding fathers placed the faith of a new nation in God's hands, we find ourselves facing a society they never envisioned. The nightly news is full of disasters and crime. Drugs, school shootings, gangs, and war have become commonplace, yet instead of looking for a good to cling to, we'd prefer to abandon faith and place our hope in other vessels.

What others though? Surely not the politicians who lead this country, promising but never delivering. Surely not the almighty dollar, even now showing it's ugly nature as we head into a recession of our own doing. Science? A god that creates medicines and technology to make lives easier, but somehow always seems to complicate the situation further, advancing the need for more and more of it's kind?

Have we as a society become so morally and socially bankrupt that we would cling to these false gods and their temporary relief over a lasting promise that simply requires, dare I say it, a little faith? Perhaps this was a simple protest about separation of church and state. It could have been a joke, even, but there's an important message all the same. We need to take a good long look at this muck we've created out of our world, so puffed up and filled with our own importance that we destroy the simple pleasures and take pleasure in that which destroys us. And once the harsh reality has been realized, perhaps then we will remember that we should put our trust in He who delivers if we'll only have a little...faith.

In God I Trust.

*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/In_God_We_Trust

It's Hard to Think of Somewhere Over the Rainbow When All You See is Clouds

This will be a long one....prepare thyself.

My absence from my most loved little blog is the result of two weeks chock full of mayhem and frenetic activity. I've had precious little time to myself, and that which I've been able to claim as my own has been filled as well with activities not blogging related. I've finally realized that in my quest to better myself and fill my life with productive activities that I enjoy, I've created a strained and hectic environment that is leaving me drained emotionally and physically and causes those who love me to stress for me as well. I've taken on so many new agendas all at once that I'm stretching myself thin over many activites and excelling at none. Jack of all trades, queen of none, so to speak.

Boxing is still going well, but I've had less time for it lately, which seems to double my anxiety as it takes away my greatest outlet. I actually sparred for the first time with Nalo Friday last, and surprisingly, once I overcame my qualms about actually hitting someone, was fun, albeit exhausting. The SAHM bible study is great, we started last Tuesday and the women seemed to really enjoy it. There are about nine of us, a very diverse but, I think, fantastic ensemble. I can't wait to see where it goes. The kids have recovered fully from their rounds of sickness, and now are simply going crazy being cooped up in all of this snow. Snow? What snow, you say? The two feet of snow that has fallen in the last week, says I. Yes, snow that comes up to my waist, closed down several school districts and colleges, and left the vast majority of my city attempting to shovel themselves out of their streets mainly to become trapt a short time later on a different one. Humorous in many ways, annoying in more.

My emotional dilemna is peaking as this situation continues. The anxiety and depression that have been nagging for some months have begun manifesting themselves in a plethora of physical maladies that weigh me down even further. In the last three days I have a knot of heartburn in my chest that sometimes threatens to take over breathing that will not go away, and for the last week or two I've had a parade of headaches. Further, physically, I literally feel that my body is close to shutting down completely, too paranoid and tired to do anything more than heave a sigh and give up. The sad thing is, in this emotional haze I find myself in, I think I would welcome the peace that would offer.

The smallest incident lately has become a breaking point for me. Like tonight, a neighbor walked over and in a rather rude way, ordered us to move our car from in front of his home like we were on private property and not a public street. Rather than laugh at the audacity of some people with Evan and then shake it off, it sent me into a tailspin that resulted in tears, more heartburn, a frenzied phonecall to Tracy, and finally, locking myself in my room with only my computer as company because the sights and sounds of my house and those in it suddenly seemed too much.

I'm writing this down so that in a moment of clarity, when I've convinced myself that I am indeed going to survive and will be okay, I will remember, and perhaps, will take steps to prevent it from happening again. I'm locked in a vicious cycle where the despair triggers a call for help, but by the time the call is answered, I'm out of the danger zone and do too good of a job convincing myself and my would be support that I'm dandy. Perhaps if I can remember the pain and the longing and the burden of now, I will be more ready to help myself when the time comes that I can logically and honestly do that.

With that off of my chest and out of my mind, we now return to your regularly scheduled meaningless drivel. My brother is in town right now, he was supposed to be here for two days, but because of the snow, has been trapped here for four, a situation that is okay with me. I've enjoyed the time I've been able to spend with him. He'll be leaving in the morning, however. I bought 48 prefolds and some new wool longies from DiaperSwappers this week, which should really cut down on my diaper laundry. I plan to add some new covers soon as well, and I've been searching yarns and patterns for my first foray into knitting, which I think will be a soaker. I'm hoping it will prove to be a relaxing way to keep my hands and mind at peace, if only for a few minutes each day. I will also soon be ordering seeds for my garden and worms for my compost bins, as we continue into a greener and simplified lifestyle.

Peace. Peace is what I lack. Peace is what I yearn for. A peace that fills the troubled rooms of my mind and offers my aching heart rest. For now, the most I can muster is the gratitude for the small blessings that mean so much: a husband who cares enough to love me in spite of my shortcomings, children who smile even in my lowest moments, and friends who listen. I send out my thanks to the cosmic beyond and He who listens there, and know that someday, perhaps soon, peace will follow.

Rendezvous!

And to further fulfil my goals, the topic material for the bible study I am leading is decided on!

I picked one called Rendezvous: Joy Ride. It's a study of Phillipians done in a very upbeat, lighthearted tone; the main purpose is to build relationships, have fun, and teach about the quality of joy. We'll be meeting every Tuesday from 9AM-11AM at the church a few blocks down from my house.

This group is mainly going to be SAHMs. I'm so excited to be able to lead it. A few years ago, I was one of those new, lonely moms cooped up in a house with no friends. Now to be able to help others in that position is an amazing feeling! I don't think anyone who hasn't been there can understand how hard it is to spend your days with tiny people who don't understand reason and know only a handful of words, how isolating it can be to stay home day after day, and how trying it is to try to make friends who have kids that also get along with yours. I've met women who I clicked with only to find our kids couldn't stand each other, and then found kids that my kids adore, only to find I don't want to spend five minutes in the mother's company.

I wouldn't trade this gig for any other, but it is very stressful, and sometimes it's nice to be able to connect with someone else feeling those struggles and emotions, even if just for an hour or two a week. That is what this group will be about. A place to unburden, to get a dose of feel good for the rest of the week. I can't wait for it to start!

Career Goals

It's funny how sometimes God puts what we need to know right in front of us at the perfect time in our lives. Last night, I was bemoaning my lack of purpose, my lack of direction to my husband. While I couldn't explain it in a way that would make sense to anyone (even myself!), the fact is I've been missing a reason. When a person has a job, they want to do well. The reason? Getting paid, a promotion, praise, and any number of other beneficial adjuncts to a career. Being a stay at home mom is truly a blessing, however, it does make for a rather confusing "job". A mother's entire self worth is based on her ability to mother and nurture. With a job, if you follow commands and do good, you receive the payoff. In the career of mother, your payoff (which to me would be a well behaved child who follows commands and eats all of his vegetables) depends on the emotional state of little beings who believes that lack of chocolate milk for lunch is tantamount to the Great Depression and is grounds for kicking, screaming, and occasionally throwing said lunch from table. Motherhood is a career that is destined to be thankless, which can leave even the best mommies feeling they are lacking.

After sleeping on these troubling thoughts, I woke up this morning and turned to my devotionals, which from first glance had little to do with anything occupying my mind, but turned out to be the balm I needed for my mental worries. This one was about the fruit of goodness, which is similar to but also very different from kindness. Goodness means active benevolence. The gist of this is that God has a predetermined purpose for us, based not on our abilities, but abilities for the common good. The result of doing these good works is God's praise and an increase of responsibility.

If, instead of looking at my "job" in a worldly sense, I looked at it in a godly sense, perhaps I could find the meaning, the reason, the worth that can't be found in the daily grind of motherhood. God entrusted these two little beings to me. He gave me a wonderful husband to provide for us, and a nice home to live in. If I look for my worth in these, heaven knows I'm doomed to fail. Kids are, as previously discussed, thankless (especially in toddlerhood!), and husbands, regardless of how great they are, could never give you enough praise to make endless laundry and dishes worthwhile. If instead I start looking at my family and my job as the tasks God has entrusted me with, and look to him for my reward in them, I think I'll find the reason I've been so desperately lacking, the worth I've been unable to find. If he believes that I can do it, and has faith in my abilities, than do I ever really need the praise of another to keep me motivated? It sure is nice, but from now on, I think I will try harder to find my worth in God's eyes, since he is the one who delegated this to me in the first place.

True Patience...

My study for this week is on patience, something every mom tends to run short on. I can't tell you how many times I've lost my temper with my kids or a situation in my house, and let me tell you, when mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. (Wow, it gives me heartburn just to type bad grammar). Anyway, in my lesson today, I came across the Greek words for patience..yes, there are two of them. The first is hupomone. Hupomone means "to persevere, remain under, bearing up under. It refers to that quality of character which does not allow one to surrender to circumstances or succumb under trial. It is endurance in relation to things or circumstances." (Beth Moore, LBY) Most importantly, hupomone is inspired by hope. The hope that things will get better, that there will be a payoff, etc.

The second type of patience is called makrothumia. Makrothumia is "to be long suffering...forebearance...self restraint before proceeding to action. It is the quality of a person who is able to avenge himself yet refrains from doing so. Makrothumia is patience in respect to persons." (Beth Moore, LBY) Makrothumia is inspired by mercy.

I'm sure you're wondering what this has to do with...well, anything. For some reason, I just liked this and it made some points I'd like to apply to my life. I've always had a problem dealing with stress, but it's always been a lump problem for me. This rather separates it in my mind, and gives me individual ways of dealing with it. If one approaches every stressful situation or person with a singular point of view, one is pretty much doomed to fail. If you approach each circumstance or person in respect to each type of patience, there is a greater chance you can see beyond the stress and find a greater peace. For instance, my two year old throws his five hundred and second tantrum of the day (you think I'm exaggerating?). Normally, I would be given to melt down right along with him, because I just keep hoping that he'll get it. If instead I approach him with mercy, I'll be more likely to see that he's missed a nap, is hungry, or is one of any number of other things that cause toddler melt down. The plain truth is he's a normal two year old, just beginning to really grasp adult concepts, but unable to control himself to apply them. I'm not saying that I will be able to keep myself level all of the time, and sometimes there's just nothing you're able to do, but perhaps if I begin approaching the situations that wear me down with hope, and the people who annoy and anger me with mercy, I'll be able to approach life with a sense of grace and peace. One of my life goals is that someday people will remember me and think, "Everything she did was done with grace and happiness."

I've actually tried to apply that premise this week. Instead of complaining, I've done things myself. When I feel like losing it when the kids are freaking out, I've instead turned to a different activity and shrugged off the impulse to scream right back. And it's made a difference. It's been really hard to control my ever present temper and keep a damper on angry feelings, but I've succeeded (for the most part). I'm learning to go more with the flow, instead of standing in the middle of it trying to redirect it. Perhaps I'll get there yet....

Good mornin', good mooorrnnin', we've slept the whole night through, Good mornin', good mornin' to you....

Isn't it a beautiful morning? I love waking up, a new sun and a soft breeze coming in my window, the arms of the man I love wrapped tight around me, and the soft pitter patter of little feet running toward my room. Nothing makes me happier than the promise of another wonderful day. This morning I woke up at five, to have my shower and alone time. The scripture in my bible study this morning (which is a Beth Moore, I just love her) really spoke to my weary heart and opened me up. Lately I've been feeling so drained, so empty. I've just felt far from God, spiritually void. Well, no more! I love it when I open my bible and BOOM, God just speaks to my heart through his word.

Today's lesson was about the ministries of the Spirit. Two of them really held tight is my mind. The seven ministries were:
1. Conviction (he makes us aware of our sins)
2. Regeneration (He allows us to be born again)
3. Baptism (not the traditional water baptism, but the spiritual baptising in his blood)
4. Indwelling (the Spirit enters us)
5. Sealing (He seals us against evil)
6. Filling (the Spirit fills us up)
7. Restraining (He restrains the evil in the world)

The two that really spoke to me were the indwelling and the filling.

The indwelling soothed me. I've been feeling so unworthy lately, swamped in my life, overcome. I've been having niggling doubts that I may feel this way because maybe I've made too many mistakes lately, mistakes that nobody, especially God, could forgive. However, God dwells in you from the time you accept him into your heart, and nothing I or anybody else does can change that. This verse was like balm to my heart:
"For I am convinced that neither life nor death, neither angels nor demons,
nor any powers, neither heigth nor depth, nor anything else in all
creation, will be able to separate from the love of God that is in
Christ Jesus our Lord."
-Romans 8:38-39

How comforting a thought, that I will always dwell in the Holy Spirit.

The other was the filling. This is the only one that is dependent on us. All the others God does once we accept him, but "the burden of the filling of the Holy Spirit rests on us. The Holy Spirit is always ready and able to fill the believer, but He will not agree to perform this ministry unless He is in present control of the one He inhabits." (Beth Moore, Living Beyond Yourself). Perhaps the reason I have been so void of the Spirit, so unfilled, is because of my own stubborn ways and lack of yeilding to Him and His plan.

I'm sorry for the sermon (ok, I'm not) so early in the morning, but this really spoke to me, and I felt I must share!

When I say I am a Christian.....

I am a christian. Some people will quit reading right there, and to be honest, I can't blame them. In today's society, the lines of true faith have been blurred and smudged, atrocious acts and hateful words carried out in the name of religion. Men and women who are supposed to be leaders and examples are found too often in the headlines as a discredit to their faith.
Many will wonder how I can hear about these things and still believe; many more ask, when looking at my life and the things I've done in the past, how dare I? The answer isn't simple. I grew up in the knowledge of a gracious God above, secure and replete, and I never questioned it. God wasn't an abstract idea in our household, he was a living entity. Then a series of events, including the death of my father and a falling out with my mother that put me out on my own, caused a definate shift in the foundations of my faith and left a gaping hole in my heart where God once dwelt. The years that followed were filled with loneliness and vain attempts to fill the space left behind. I did more stupid things to myself and others than I care to think about. I've never been so unhappy. Even after I'd cleaned up a bit and found stability in my marraige and kids, I still felt something missing.
Then one day, in a wave of shining revelation, it hit me just how much I missed God. I was tired of carrying around the bitterness, guilt, and shame. It's taken some time, but the void in my heart is healing and filling with His love once again. The journey hasn't been easy, and there are no simple answers. I guess the answer to the burning questions is true faith - believing in what you can't see and therefore, can't really prove. My faith, my love for God, are tangible to me. I feel his love in and around me. I believe that his mercy can save even one who's screwed up as much as me. I don't waste my life in worry or unease, because I know I have a heavenly father who ultimately has my best interests at heart. It may be hard to accept the heartbreak in life, but it's easier knowing the burden is shared with one more capable of carrying it than I.
To those who would question me, I wonder of them: How can you not believe? Look at a newborn baby, perfectly created from just a few cells, or the reds and pinks in the sunrise of a new day, and you'll have your answer. I'm not naive enough to think that life is a coinidence, nor arrogant enough to believe that we simply came to exist from nothing. God has had a hand in everything that has been, and whether you choose to believe it, knows what will come. I can't say that my life will be perfect - there will be hurt, and sickness, and even death. Christians suffer the same day to day fates that plague the rest of humanity, the difference is the ability to see beyond the present hurt and know future joy. This world and it's pain will pass away, but because of my savior, I will know the beauty and happiness of the next.
"Whatever is born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world - our faith." - 1 John 5:4