It's Hard to Think of Somewhere Over the Rainbow When All You See is Clouds

This will be a long one....prepare thyself.

My absence from my most loved little blog is the result of two weeks chock full of mayhem and frenetic activity. I've had precious little time to myself, and that which I've been able to claim as my own has been filled as well with activities not blogging related. I've finally realized that in my quest to better myself and fill my life with productive activities that I enjoy, I've created a strained and hectic environment that is leaving me drained emotionally and physically and causes those who love me to stress for me as well. I've taken on so many new agendas all at once that I'm stretching myself thin over many activites and excelling at none. Jack of all trades, queen of none, so to speak.

Boxing is still going well, but I've had less time for it lately, which seems to double my anxiety as it takes away my greatest outlet. I actually sparred for the first time with Nalo Friday last, and surprisingly, once I overcame my qualms about actually hitting someone, was fun, albeit exhausting. The SAHM bible study is great, we started last Tuesday and the women seemed to really enjoy it. There are about nine of us, a very diverse but, I think, fantastic ensemble. I can't wait to see where it goes. The kids have recovered fully from their rounds of sickness, and now are simply going crazy being cooped up in all of this snow. Snow? What snow, you say? The two feet of snow that has fallen in the last week, says I. Yes, snow that comes up to my waist, closed down several school districts and colleges, and left the vast majority of my city attempting to shovel themselves out of their streets mainly to become trapt a short time later on a different one. Humorous in many ways, annoying in more.

My emotional dilemna is peaking as this situation continues. The anxiety and depression that have been nagging for some months have begun manifesting themselves in a plethora of physical maladies that weigh me down even further. In the last three days I have a knot of heartburn in my chest that sometimes threatens to take over breathing that will not go away, and for the last week or two I've had a parade of headaches. Further, physically, I literally feel that my body is close to shutting down completely, too paranoid and tired to do anything more than heave a sigh and give up. The sad thing is, in this emotional haze I find myself in, I think I would welcome the peace that would offer.

The smallest incident lately has become a breaking point for me. Like tonight, a neighbor walked over and in a rather rude way, ordered us to move our car from in front of his home like we were on private property and not a public street. Rather than laugh at the audacity of some people with Evan and then shake it off, it sent me into a tailspin that resulted in tears, more heartburn, a frenzied phonecall to Tracy, and finally, locking myself in my room with only my computer as company because the sights and sounds of my house and those in it suddenly seemed too much.

I'm writing this down so that in a moment of clarity, when I've convinced myself that I am indeed going to survive and will be okay, I will remember, and perhaps, will take steps to prevent it from happening again. I'm locked in a vicious cycle where the despair triggers a call for help, but by the time the call is answered, I'm out of the danger zone and do too good of a job convincing myself and my would be support that I'm dandy. Perhaps if I can remember the pain and the longing and the burden of now, I will be more ready to help myself when the time comes that I can logically and honestly do that.

With that off of my chest and out of my mind, we now return to your regularly scheduled meaningless drivel. My brother is in town right now, he was supposed to be here for two days, but because of the snow, has been trapped here for four, a situation that is okay with me. I've enjoyed the time I've been able to spend with him. He'll be leaving in the morning, however. I bought 48 prefolds and some new wool longies from DiaperSwappers this week, which should really cut down on my diaper laundry. I plan to add some new covers soon as well, and I've been searching yarns and patterns for my first foray into knitting, which I think will be a soaker. I'm hoping it will prove to be a relaxing way to keep my hands and mind at peace, if only for a few minutes each day. I will also soon be ordering seeds for my garden and worms for my compost bins, as we continue into a greener and simplified lifestyle.

Peace. Peace is what I lack. Peace is what I yearn for. A peace that fills the troubled rooms of my mind and offers my aching heart rest. For now, the most I can muster is the gratitude for the small blessings that mean so much: a husband who cares enough to love me in spite of my shortcomings, children who smile even in my lowest moments, and friends who listen. I send out my thanks to the cosmic beyond and He who listens there, and know that someday, perhaps soon, peace will follow.

You've Got To Be Kidding Me....

The last three or four days have been, well, interesting. I've been away from my computer mostly as I tackled training a puppy, dealing with a sick kid, preparing for and starting my new study, and dealing with my own emotional racket, as well as the myriad of other day to day projects I do regularly.

And so, in that order....

The puppy is doing pretty well as far as potty and crate training. She's had a few accidents, but all were due to our own lapse in not getting her out the door quick enough. She will actually squat outside even when she doesn't really have to go, as if she knows that she's supposed to. She's mostly sleeping through the night already, a fact Evan appreciates as he was the one getting up in the night with her.

Ely gave us a big scare on Tuesday night. I had gone to pick up Dani from work and as we sat waiting, humming along to radio and generally just being bored, Ely suddenly went from placid to crazy. She started this guttural, grunting screaming, clawing at her seat buckle, and shaking. I lunged back to get her out and she started vomiting this clear/white foam, so I grabbed a towel laying in the back seat and held it under her, then she, well, passed out. I shook her, said her name, and she opened her eyes briefly with this drunken kind of look, then went back to sleep. We went immediately to the hospital, where we were told it must be the flu, since she had a 102 temp. I tried to tell them, no, she's not been sick, but they said just watch her and sent us home. Needless to say, I did some research and we've come to the conclusion that she probably had a febrile seizure, which occur in about 1 in 25 kids and are a result of a high temperature. They don't leave any lasting damage and are mainly the body's way of dealing with the stress of a temp. So from now on we'll watch her when she has a fever and hope it never happens again. Today and yesterday she's been fine. Flu, my.....

The bible study was awesome! We didn't have as good a turnout as we'd hoped, but we had fun regardless and there are several more women interested for next week!

Lastly, I've been dealing with my own emotional problems, mostly to do with anxiety. I'm not sure I'm ready to discuss it yet, so we'll leave it at that.

Since I've been away for a few days, I decided to fill you in on the last few days in a photo montage form...

Ely laying on the couch with her fever.

Amada and Bella playing in the vacuum cord.

Aidyn changing baby's diaper.

Bella watching TV, no joke.

Bella coming at ya!

Aidyn strolling Bella.

Naked Ely!

Bella and mommy cuddles.

I'm this happy, see?

Yippy ki yay....

Rendezvous!

And to further fulfil my goals, the topic material for the bible study I am leading is decided on!

I picked one called Rendezvous: Joy Ride. It's a study of Phillipians done in a very upbeat, lighthearted tone; the main purpose is to build relationships, have fun, and teach about the quality of joy. We'll be meeting every Tuesday from 9AM-11AM at the church a few blocks down from my house.

This group is mainly going to be SAHMs. I'm so excited to be able to lead it. A few years ago, I was one of those new, lonely moms cooped up in a house with no friends. Now to be able to help others in that position is an amazing feeling! I don't think anyone who hasn't been there can understand how hard it is to spend your days with tiny people who don't understand reason and know only a handful of words, how isolating it can be to stay home day after day, and how trying it is to try to make friends who have kids that also get along with yours. I've met women who I clicked with only to find our kids couldn't stand each other, and then found kids that my kids adore, only to find I don't want to spend five minutes in the mother's company.

I wouldn't trade this gig for any other, but it is very stressful, and sometimes it's nice to be able to connect with someone else feeling those struggles and emotions, even if just for an hour or two a week. That is what this group will be about. A place to unburden, to get a dose of feel good for the rest of the week. I can't wait for it to start!