This will be a long one....prepare thyself.
My absence from my most loved little blog is the result of two weeks chock full of mayhem and frenetic activity. I've had precious little time to myself, and that which I've been able to claim as my own has been filled as well with activities not blogging related. I've finally realized that in my quest to better myself and fill my life with productive activities that I enjoy, I've created a strained and hectic environment that is leaving me drained emotionally and physically and causes those who love me to stress for me as well. I've taken on so many new agendas all at once that I'm stretching myself thin over many activites and excelling at none. Jack of all trades, queen of none, so to speak.
Boxing is still going well, but I've had less time for it lately, which seems to double my anxiety as it takes away my greatest outlet. I actually sparred for the first time with Nalo Friday last, and surprisingly, once I overcame my qualms about actually hitting someone, was fun, albeit exhausting. The SAHM bible study is great, we started last Tuesday and the women seemed to really enjoy it. There are about nine of us, a very diverse but, I think, fantastic ensemble. I can't wait to see where it goes. The kids have recovered fully from their rounds of sickness, and now are simply going crazy being cooped up in all of this snow. Snow? What snow, you say? The two feet of snow that has fallen in the last week, says I. Yes, snow that comes up to my waist, closed down several school districts and colleges, and left the vast majority of my city attempting to shovel themselves out of their streets mainly to become trapt a short time later on a different one. Humorous in many ways, annoying in more.
My emotional dilemna is peaking as this situation continues. The anxiety and depression that have been nagging for some months have begun manifesting themselves in a plethora of physical maladies that weigh me down even further. In the last three days I have a knot of heartburn in my chest that sometimes threatens to take over breathing that will not go away, and for the last week or two I've had a parade of headaches. Further, physically, I literally feel that my body is close to shutting down completely, too paranoid and tired to do anything more than heave a sigh and give up. The sad thing is, in this emotional haze I find myself in, I think I would welcome the peace that would offer.
The smallest incident lately has become a breaking point for me. Like tonight, a neighbor walked over and in a rather rude way, ordered us to move our car from in front of his home like we were on private property and not a public street. Rather than laugh at the audacity of some people with Evan and then shake it off, it sent me into a tailspin that resulted in tears, more heartburn, a frenzied phonecall to Tracy, and finally, locking myself in my room with only my computer as company because the sights and sounds of my house and those in it suddenly seemed too much.
I'm writing this down so that in a moment of clarity, when I've convinced myself that I am indeed going to survive and will be okay, I will remember, and perhaps, will take steps to prevent it from happening again. I'm locked in a vicious cycle where the despair triggers a call for help, but by the time the call is answered, I'm out of the danger zone and do too good of a job convincing myself and my would be support that I'm dandy. Perhaps if I can remember the pain and the longing and the burden of now, I will be more ready to help myself when the time comes that I can logically and honestly do that.
With that off of my chest and out of my mind, we now return to your regularly scheduled meaningless drivel. My brother is in town right now, he was supposed to be here for two days, but because of the snow, has been trapped here for four, a situation that is okay with me. I've enjoyed the time I've been able to spend with him. He'll be leaving in the morning, however. I bought 48 prefolds and some new wool longies from DiaperSwappers this week, which should really cut down on my diaper laundry. I plan to add some new covers soon as well, and I've been searching yarns and patterns for my first foray into knitting, which I think will be a soaker. I'm hoping it will prove to be a relaxing way to keep my hands and mind at peace, if only for a few minutes each day. I will also soon be ordering seeds for my garden and worms for my compost bins, as we continue into a greener and simplified lifestyle.
Peace. Peace is what I lack. Peace is what I yearn for. A peace that fills the troubled rooms of my mind and offers my aching heart rest. For now, the most I can muster is the gratitude for the small blessings that mean so much: a husband who cares enough to love me in spite of my shortcomings, children who smile even in my lowest moments, and friends who listen. I send out my thanks to the cosmic beyond and He who listens there, and know that someday, perhaps soon, peace will follow.