It's Hard to Think of Somewhere Over the Rainbow When All You See is Clouds

This will be a long one....prepare thyself.

My absence from my most loved little blog is the result of two weeks chock full of mayhem and frenetic activity. I've had precious little time to myself, and that which I've been able to claim as my own has been filled as well with activities not blogging related. I've finally realized that in my quest to better myself and fill my life with productive activities that I enjoy, I've created a strained and hectic environment that is leaving me drained emotionally and physically and causes those who love me to stress for me as well. I've taken on so many new agendas all at once that I'm stretching myself thin over many activites and excelling at none. Jack of all trades, queen of none, so to speak.

Boxing is still going well, but I've had less time for it lately, which seems to double my anxiety as it takes away my greatest outlet. I actually sparred for the first time with Nalo Friday last, and surprisingly, once I overcame my qualms about actually hitting someone, was fun, albeit exhausting. The SAHM bible study is great, we started last Tuesday and the women seemed to really enjoy it. There are about nine of us, a very diverse but, I think, fantastic ensemble. I can't wait to see where it goes. The kids have recovered fully from their rounds of sickness, and now are simply going crazy being cooped up in all of this snow. Snow? What snow, you say? The two feet of snow that has fallen in the last week, says I. Yes, snow that comes up to my waist, closed down several school districts and colleges, and left the vast majority of my city attempting to shovel themselves out of their streets mainly to become trapt a short time later on a different one. Humorous in many ways, annoying in more.

My emotional dilemna is peaking as this situation continues. The anxiety and depression that have been nagging for some months have begun manifesting themselves in a plethora of physical maladies that weigh me down even further. In the last three days I have a knot of heartburn in my chest that sometimes threatens to take over breathing that will not go away, and for the last week or two I've had a parade of headaches. Further, physically, I literally feel that my body is close to shutting down completely, too paranoid and tired to do anything more than heave a sigh and give up. The sad thing is, in this emotional haze I find myself in, I think I would welcome the peace that would offer.

The smallest incident lately has become a breaking point for me. Like tonight, a neighbor walked over and in a rather rude way, ordered us to move our car from in front of his home like we were on private property and not a public street. Rather than laugh at the audacity of some people with Evan and then shake it off, it sent me into a tailspin that resulted in tears, more heartburn, a frenzied phonecall to Tracy, and finally, locking myself in my room with only my computer as company because the sights and sounds of my house and those in it suddenly seemed too much.

I'm writing this down so that in a moment of clarity, when I've convinced myself that I am indeed going to survive and will be okay, I will remember, and perhaps, will take steps to prevent it from happening again. I'm locked in a vicious cycle where the despair triggers a call for help, but by the time the call is answered, I'm out of the danger zone and do too good of a job convincing myself and my would be support that I'm dandy. Perhaps if I can remember the pain and the longing and the burden of now, I will be more ready to help myself when the time comes that I can logically and honestly do that.

With that off of my chest and out of my mind, we now return to your regularly scheduled meaningless drivel. My brother is in town right now, he was supposed to be here for two days, but because of the snow, has been trapped here for four, a situation that is okay with me. I've enjoyed the time I've been able to spend with him. He'll be leaving in the morning, however. I bought 48 prefolds and some new wool longies from DiaperSwappers this week, which should really cut down on my diaper laundry. I plan to add some new covers soon as well, and I've been searching yarns and patterns for my first foray into knitting, which I think will be a soaker. I'm hoping it will prove to be a relaxing way to keep my hands and mind at peace, if only for a few minutes each day. I will also soon be ordering seeds for my garden and worms for my compost bins, as we continue into a greener and simplified lifestyle.

Peace. Peace is what I lack. Peace is what I yearn for. A peace that fills the troubled rooms of my mind and offers my aching heart rest. For now, the most I can muster is the gratitude for the small blessings that mean so much: a husband who cares enough to love me in spite of my shortcomings, children who smile even in my lowest moments, and friends who listen. I send out my thanks to the cosmic beyond and He who listens there, and know that someday, perhaps soon, peace will follow.

Snowbound....

One week down, fifty or so more to go. So far I've done fairly well in my goals. I'm in the midst of setting up a bible study, eating better all the time, boxed three times last week, and came close to following every day on my chore chart. I even drank more water (mostly in relation to the boxing though).

Joia still isn't here, due to the unfortunate weather we've been having. And when I say unfortunate I mean God-please-make-the-snow-stop! We're hoping maybe Wednesday or Thursday when this system lets up. In the meantime, we have had some fun in the snow. We took the kiddos sledding in Sunday, which was an interesting affair. Aidyn decided that he'd rather stand at the top of the hill and throw snowballs down, Ely bean giggled like a madwoman and otherwise flopped around in her ginormous snowsuit, Evan ate it several times while going facefirst, and I almost cracked my tailbone when I decided to do a little extreme sledding. By extreme I mean the hill was about five feet high, but had a deadly drop covered by light fluffy snow. It wasn't so light and fluffy when my butt hit it. Ouch!

I joined a knitting club, which meets every other Sunday. I'm super excited to learn how and start turning out longies and soakers and sweaters and blankets and scarves....well, the list could go on and on really.

Today I'm going to retool my blog. The green and blue are wearing on me a bit, I think I just need a change. Maybe something a bit more uncluttered to match my goals for this year.

New Beginnings and Old Ideas....

I know we're technically a few days into this year, but here it is, complete, my list of 2008's goals to accomplish. I don't like the word resolutions, because I think situations change, and so your goals should be flexible so they can change too. At the bottom of my actual list that will be printed out and kept in my journal, I've left a large space to add or change ideas through the year. I've also decided that I will record the dates next to these of days when that particular goal was achieved or maybe just added something to my life that made me smile. The entire list will be a journal and record of my year, full of tears and struggles and (I hope) great joy. This time next year I hope to look back and see the change in my family and life.

And so, without further ado, my plans and hopes for the year 2008:

~ 2008 ~
I commit myself to a healthier, more natural, uncluttered, and harmonious lifestyle. I will be a conscious and caring wife, a gentle, fun, and focused mom, and provide a beautiful, warm home for my family free of unnecessary junk and feelings. This year I commit myself to making my life exactly what I want it to be, and in the process, better for my family.

For My Health –
1. Box three nights a week, try to get a night or two of personal training a month.
2. Drink more water, cut out all soda.
3. Focus on eating healthier and more often.
4. Take healthy snacks and water everywhere to reduce unhealthy munching when out.
For Our Home-
1. Cut the clutter.
2. Plan out meals and buy weekly groceries accordingly.
3. Make a chore schedule and stick to it.
4. Try one new meal every two weeks.
5. Buy more houseplants.
6. Repair tiles in the hall.
7. Keep the yard neater.
8. Find a way to spruce up the older furniture (cover and pillows for the couch, etc)
9. Build a garage and fence this Spring.
10. Add homey touches that are inexpensive but beautiful.
11. Organize all paperwork into easily manageable system.
12. Keep up on laundry (washing, drying, folding, hanging).
13. Organize downstairs and closets.
14. Create space for paperwork, crafts, etc., and keep it clean.
15. Stay on top of recycling and garbage.
For Evan –
1. Let him take more naps and sleep in more without a surly attitude.
2. Make it a point to ask him how his day was.
3. Support him in his eating healthier and working out more, offer more encouragement.
4. Make sure there is money in savings every few months for him to buy his supplements.
5. Learn more about his goals and what goes into making them a reality.
6. Talk more, love more, make love more.
7. Don’t take my negative feelings out on him, instead let him help me feel better.
8. Don’t argue about things that don’t really matter, and talk out the things that do.
For Our Budget –
1. Pay off all debt except house by March.
2. Eliminate credit spending by saving instead for big purchases.
3. Give more back (tithe, Children International, other charities).
4. Cut out unnecessary spending.
5. Send all bills out on time.
For Our Kids –
1. Lay a foundation for the kids’ schooling by intentionally creating fun learning times.
2. Plan one field trip a week strictly for them.
3. Hug them more.
4. Replace some TV every day with mommy play time.
5. Lay a better spiritual foundation for them.
6. Find a better bedtime routine and stick to it.
For Our Pets –
1. Start a raw, natural diet.
2. Stick to their feeding schedule.
3. Brush, groom, etc.
4. Take Joia on walks every few days.
5. Keep up to date on shots.
For Myself –
1. Live Simply.
2. Drink more water.
3. Spend less time watching life through my computer screen and more out enjoying it.
4. Take care of what I have
5. Get a tattoo.
6. Eat fast food a max of once every three months.
7. Love my kids and husband more and myself less.
8. Send birthday cards.
9. Learn to knit and make the kids longies and soakers.
10. Stay on top of accountability meetings and homework.
11. Focus on being a better homemaker, wife, and mother.
12. Do more of what I enjoy – reading, sewing, etc.
13. Start a garden with my kids.
14. Learn from my mistakes.
15. Start a journal.
16. Blog at least four times a week.
17. Be a better friend.
18. Be willing.
19. Take time to focus.
20. Take at least one bubble bath a week.
21. Clean my car out once a week.
22. Learn patience, grace, and to say sorry.
23. Get involved in something new.
24. Try four new things before the year is over, including rock climbing.
25. Bake more.
26. Cry when I need to, don’t hold it in.
27. Drink more tea.
For Our Faith –
1. Do a devotional, then another.
2. Go to class with Evan to work our way through the Bible.
3. Start teaching SAHM Bible study.
4. Be regular about going to church.
For Baby Bean –
1. Refocus and decide on a path of action.
2. Learn about Baby Fair and decide on entering.

*I reserve the right to reword, add to, or otherwise edit this list in the future upon any whim I may have. I refuse to give up coffee or chocolate for any reason, and will not negotiate my right to a few select days a month of hormonal outbursts free of guilt.