The General Hodge Podge

On to the promised post!

The last month has been crazy busy with tons of family, friends and business. I've tried very hard lately to organize and streamline and come up with a schedule that allows me to do a little of it all every day and still feel slightly sane at the end of the day. Happily, I'm getting into the groove and the day to day business of my life has become just a tad smoother.

First off, family. Sharkbait and The Bean are, as usual, a mix of terror and sunshine. We've been doing actual lessons during the day and it's going well. Ely is working on colors and learning her alphabet. Aidyn knows most of his letters and numbers and we're working on reading small words. Every day we do some kind of craft to reinforce the lesson and so far the approach seems to be working. Ely potty learned overnight it seems, and we have now been a diaper free house for a little over five months. My cloth diapers are still sitting in a basket here though, I haven't had the heart to sell them yet.

One of the things they're getting really interested in is my knitting and spinning, so we've been having mini lessons in knitting. Ely mainly clicks her needles together and pushes the needle in the loops; Aidyn is actually trying to loop the yarn around.

We celebrated Aid's fourth birthday in February. He wanted, and this is verbatim, "a cake in the shape of a four, because I'm four now mommy *holds up four fingers*, and it needs to have pirates on it with treasure and some dinosaur sprinkles. Oh, and candles, four candles." Luckily I found a pirate set and dinosaur sprinkles, and I think it turned out pretty well. He certainly thought so.

My brother Nathan made a surprise visit this last weekend and so my little family here, that's my brother Levi and his wife Dani, plus of course Nathan and ourselves, gathered for a night. We ate some pizza, then Nathan and I took off for a little one on one at a cafe, and when we returned we stayed up until one playing cards and having a grand time.

At one point Levi started telling Nathan about the previous weekend, when Evan squatted so much weight that his barbell was bending in the middle. Just to prove it, Levi and I hopped up on his back where he squatted our combined weight as if we were just Aidyn and Ely up there.

I started watching my darling nephew Turner in the afternoons; he's almost a year old and the cutest little guy ever! Here he is modeling a knit for me.

Last week one of Aidyn's little friends, Alexandria, came over and they had a princess dress up party. It was hysterical.

Alright, so on to business!

Business is good. Great actually. I constantly have a customs list out a month and a half, which keeps me busy and is somewhat intimidating, but I like it. I've been dyeing and spinning and knitting my heart out and have turned out lots of lovely (if I do say so myself) items. I even broke out my sewing machine and finished a knitting bag and accessories holder combo for a mama.

A few spins and some roving I've dyed.

My congo also participated in this really cool promotional gig called The Spotted Box. It's chock full of WAHM samples. We sent in a total of 60...whew!

And then, finally, me!

I finally made something for myself, a lace shrug from a gorgeous cotton silk yarn. Laugh at the serious pictures, I'm purposely trying to get one here.

I scored a very hard to get yarn bowl from Rising Sun Earthworks in a gorgeous purple. A yarn bowl is basically a regular bowl that has a slit in the side for your yarn to come out. The ball of yarn sits in the bowl instead of rolling all over the floor :)

I can't talk about me, of course, without mentioning my other and better half. Evan is busy with work and all the rest as well, but we find little moments together that make the in between a little more bearable. Here's a peek at one of our silly moments, an impromptu photo shoot one night while watching some TV together (Top Gear, what else?).

That's about it, lots of laughter and plenty to keep me busy. Maybe as I grow into my new schedule I'll be able to fit in more blogging time, in the meantime, cheers!

Blogger Interuppted

I was just sitting to write this and take advantage of some kid free time courtesy of naps when Aidyn's door opened, he walked very solemnly up to me, put his face on my leg and said (with those big blue eyes shining up at me), "Mommy, I didn't take a nap, I won't lie. But it's okay. Okay?".

Sorry friends, blogging can wait, my son's childhood will not. And that's okay. Okay?

It's On Fire!

Some days it feels like I spend the entire day yelling or sending kids to timeout. Today was such a day. I wish I had energy to blog up something good, but the non-stop fight interventions, three hundred times telling Aidyn to please pick up his puzzle and then eat his macaroni like a good boy, wrenching the bathroom handsoap out of Ely's sticky fingers, and shooing Bella away from the wooden train tracks she enjoys turning into splinters all while trying to clean every inch of my house has shot my nerves.

So from the little corner of Hades that is my home today to yours, here's hoping you had a better day than I!

Must Raves!

Some things from my week that I loved so much I had to rave about them:

1. The new line of bags we're selling exclusively from a local designer who has become extremely popular in recent months. We met Alicia of A. Girl bags at the Latah Creek Fair and hit it off. She liked what we were doing so much she decided that instead of opening her own website, which was her plan, she would retail through us. And, even better, she's designing a diaper bag to go with her regular line that will include a changing pad and small mama clutch! She uses the Amy Butler fabrics for everything she does, and she's absolutely brilliant!

2. My new cleaning products! Tired of the smell of vinegar while I was cleaning, but unwilling to go back to chemical laden store varieties, I invested into the cleaning products of a local company (also at the fair), Maid Naturally. All natural ingredients that clean just as well, at the same price, but smell so good you almost want to eat them! Even better is that they are marketed as a "spa treatment" for your home, and named as such! My favorite is the Aromatherapy Cleanser (an all purpose cleaner) in Clary Sage and Vanilla, followed closely by their Mint Glass Toner (for glass and mirrors) and Massage Oil (for stainless steel, leather, and wood) in Lavender and Vanilla. My home has never smelled so sweet! I went from charmed to completely sold when their Citrus Home Exfoliator took off the burn rings on my glass stove top that even the famed magic erasers had left behind. Warning: I threw away my mop because it smells so good I intend to hand wash my floors from now on. Yes, it's that good.

3. The harvest coming in from our garden. Many peas and beans, bags of zucchini, and several carrots, like this little guy, are making their way from the dirt into the sweet little hands and mouths of Sharkbait and the Bean, who have a whole new outlook on where the food they eat is coming from.

4. Ravelry! It's a knit community online that, right now at least, must be joined by invitation. I signed up ages ago and forgot about it, then meandered over a few weeks ago to check what was taking so long and found out my invitation was sent months ago and went to my junk folder. Oh the lost months! Well, I'm on now and making up for lost time! It's so amazing to find people who share my obsession with their needles!

5. My husband. He watched our kids both days last weekend while mommy worked, cleaned up numerous times (including a heaping sink of dishes that I was dreading touching), and even cooked his yummy friend rice for dinner once! Even better, he stood up to his family in a matter that has been tearing us all apart lately and pretty much singlehandly, through a great deal of pain and negativity, brought his family back together again to face their problems together anew. I've never been prouder than I was watching the man, who still seems so much a boy to me, face the accusations and anger of his entire family calmly and without excuse, and come out on top with a new respect from them...and me.

That Achaan Chaa Knows What's Up

Last night I was feeling a little down and so I poured myself a bath full of bubbles and a cup of my favorite white tea, and sunk down to enjoy a few minutes to myself reading my latest parenting magazine. I know, even in my "me" time, still the mommy.

Amidst the articles on getting your toddler to behave (right) and how to keep your house free of clutter (eye roll), my eye was suddenly caught by an anecdote from a mom that merited more than the perfunctory gaze before moving on. The woman who told the story had become obsessed with organization since having children, namely with their toys. She couldn't stand the thought of having mixed pieces of toy sets, and so every night she sorted through every block and puzzle, all the toy sets and put each where it belonged. She went on in this manner, driving herself near crazy as her kids accumulated even more sets of toys, until the day her sun was allowed to pick out his first toy. She tried to steer him to balls and books and toys that didn't come with 101 pieces, but in the end he settled on a Sesame Street camper, complete with small figurines, a campfire, tent, and various other small parts. At first, she tried to keep it together, barking every time it was out that it was to be kept downstairs, rushing around picking up parts and putting it away almost as soon as her son got it out. Then she realized that she would eventually have to cook dinner, do laundry, and a host of other things, and would have to let him play with it unsupervised, and it would most likely get broken and pieces would become lost.

That night, for the first time, she offered her usual "lose this and be sorry" warning, and allowed him to take it where he would. She watched as he took the Cookie Monster part of the camper and carried it upstairs to his room, where it joined some other Cookie Monster friends. Then he took the camper part and used it to shuttle his Elmo to an Applebee's he built of blocks. As she stood there, she realized that while the thing was "no longer a set in the way we might conventionally use that term, its various pieces were all somehow deployed into service where they belonged."

She then quoted a parable, a very lovely parable from a zen master, Achaan Chaa. One day Achaan Chaa was asked by a student how he could remain at peace in a world that lacked any permanence. He held up the glass in his hand and said, "For me, this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. But when I put this glass on a shelf and my elbow brushes it and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say 'Of course'. When I understand that this glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious."

She came to understand that "that plastic cookie monster probably belonged in Coby's room even before it came out of the factory. That puzzle piece is lost before you tear off the shrink wrap, and the action figure is down the toilet or lost under the ficus even before you've paid for it. Maybe the best thing for compulsively ordered mamas like myself would be to once in a while take the whole darn camper and hurl it against the living room wall, recognizing that it's already broken and that every moment your child interacts with it, making sense of it in his own, albeit incomprehensible, way is precious."

The even harder lesson, she realized, was that it was "likely the thing I'm trying to sort, catalog, organize, and preserve for all eternity is not so much their stuff as their lives." The thing that was already broken, or more correctly, changing was their childhood, and that like the plastic toys and their million pieces that plagued her, they were moving on, growing into what they were meant to be and do.

Ely's room holds a kitchen complete with 42 pieces of food and dishes. I know this because I am obsessed with hunting down all 42 of those pieces and getting them back into the bin with it's faux wicker sticker that sits in the little kitchen. There is also an ABC animal play mat, with an animal for every letter, a zookeeper, a car for the zookeeper, and two minuscule food bins for the animals. Needless to say, another of my downfalls, and many hours spent digging under beds and in drawers for the lost seal and wayward flamingo. In my son's room are train tracks, some of a plastic set, and others of a wood set. In my opinion, plastic should be stored in the vintage 7-Up bin, wood in the drawer of the table they came with. Aidyn thinks the engines of both should be stored in his car drawer (which I probably shouldn't even start in on because I don't feel like a migraine this early in the morning), and both sets should be scattered together haphazardly around his room, with an array of different dinosaur sets mixed in for good measure.

I copied that parable out of the magazine last night and it is perched right now in front of me on my keyboard. I thought about it this morning and as I went through my morning motions, I looked at my home in a different light. In Ely's room, there is a doll in the sink and no sign of food anywhere. The small plastic pieces of bread and vegetables are over by the animals, minus one piece of chicken my daughter fed to the dog and ended up as plastic shards around my kitchen. Aidyn's room is a time and a place not seen before, where cars ride plastic and wood tracks without discrimination, and dinosaurs and cowboys work mutually to build a racetrack for train engines. Normally this is where the migraine would start, but I turned my mind around it and came up with a different scenario. The doll is in the sink is, of course, receiving a bath. The animals seem to be having a party, and one does need food for a grand event such as this. The chicken that is now in the garbage can was a gift of love from Ely to Bella, and who can fault her brilliance in putting together that mommy feeds Bella chicken every morning and out of all the pieces of food, she chose the chicken. Aidyn is simply showing his imagination, not letting the limitations of this world set any on his mind, and proving that seemingly incompatible characters do quite well in their mutual endeavors.

Further, in my grasping efforts to keep their toys and them contained in these perfect sets, trying vainly to make sense of the scattering and the growing, I am losing something precious. I am missing this small portion of their lives that, while a jumble and not always pleasant, can't be ordered and shouldn't be. I won't be able to keep those sets of toys together and contained the same way that I won't be able to manage every second of their lives in a way that keeps pain and sadness at bay and ensures a life of order, free of mess. In the same way the toys were meant to be scattered and that chicken was Bella's five minutes of chewing heaven, my kids will grow up, move on into the people they are meant to become, and choose their own paths that will probably have detours and disasters. And suddenly, I think I can grasp that and even be okay with it.

Now I'm off to enjoy the land of the dinosaurs and trains, get involved in that animal party, and maybe throw a few sets of perfectly ordered toys against a wall...

Soup of the Day

Nothing deep or even remotely interesting today, to tell the truth, but I shall post anyway, as I was reminded yesterday that it has been too long.

The garage is still not finished. Big surprise. Actually, it's coming along and should be completed (minus electrical) by this weekend. Our concrete pour is scheduled for 7AM on Saturday, so I am super excited about that. The siding has been going up a little at a time during the evenings, I myself nailed up some J-metal on Tuesday night. By this time next week, we should have the inspection done and hopefully, even have the guys out to install the overhead door! Tonight I plan on digging holes for our fence so that they can pour concrete into those at the same time.

Of course, the fence will be put on hold for a few weeks while we visit the family in Montana. We're leaving in two weeks and one day, and then I'll have a whole ten days of family time. The kids are so excited, Aidyn keeps talking about how he's going to play with his uncle Jeremiah. (Side note, the Bean just climbed me like ladder and is now wrapped around my head watching TV over my shoulder). And on this oh-so-spectacular trip, we will have a new ride.

Yes, you heard me. It's true, I succumbed to the van. I actually read a very enlightening article about how SUVs have become so commonplace, the new "soccer mom" vehicle of choice, that vans are suddenly ahead of the curve, out of the norm, and, dare I say it, cool. Just let me dream, people, let me dream. And so, for the first time, the Stillar family will roadtrip to their roots in the style and comfort of the Honda Odyssey, which has already been dubbed, fondly I think, The Box.

Other tidbits of this week:

1. Bella now firmly knows how to sit at attention with a piece of food hovering directly on her nose until given the command to go ahead and eat it. Pretty cool, in my opinion, but then again, I'm the one that taught her.

2. There is a vase of branches from my little tree out front being forced out of winter hibernation to lend their bright red spring feel to my front room. They are already opening!

3. Sharkbait has been drawing pictures that actually form an organized picture. He drew a duck, a boat, and yesterday, a bus, complete with wheels, window, and a ladder. Yes, a ladder.

4. Bean is laying on the floor with her brother's undies on wiggling around to a reggae sounding beat coming from the TV. Just as a note of interest. The girl cracks me up.

5. I went shopping and found the coolest pair of wicked awesome shorts I've ever seen. Evan says they look like I'm heading off to golf. I think he's jealous.

And that about sums it up. Except of course, for my latest going green efforts, which I plan on posting at a later date, hopefully soon. Until then, friends and readers....

Soccer Moms

This is story about a girl and her ride, and the family politics that come into play when she decides it's not working for her anymore. I drive a 2003 Toyota Tundra that was given to us generously by my husband's grandpa last year. It's fun, it has tons of space to haul stuff, and is, of course, seriously nice. However, I've discovered that driving a truck comes with certain disadvantages.

1. Carseats and growing children don't fit easily into the back seat. Aidyn's legs now seem to be locked in a permanent wrestling match with the passenger seat, even when it's at the very frontest position (yes, I'm aware frontest isn't a word).

2. All of the gear I had taken for granted leaving in the back of my SUV (a stroller, sling, change of clothes, dead midget hooker) doesn't do so well being left in the back of an uncovered truck. I had to start unloading the stroller every trip so that it wouldn't get wet or stolen, and I can't tell you how many times we've forgotten to bring it in and thus, it's gotten wet, or how many more times I've went to go somewhere and realized I forgot the stroller again.

3. It's pretty environmentally unfriendly, which isn't working for me. The EPA scores my particular truck at a 1, on a scale of 0-10, 10 being best. Yikes! It's a gas hog and has more emissions than my husband after a protien shake.

And so, I did some research, did some more research, test drove a few models, and did some more research. After testing some hybrids and realizing that they can actually be more expensive to drive in some instances, I gave up my dream of owning a Toyota Prius (not to mention, who could actually fit anything in that boot?). I finally settled on the unassuming, decent gas mileage, good family carish Nissan Sentra. Once all figures were calculated (car payments, insurance, gas annually) it turned out that even adding a car payment, the Sentra, brand new, would be cheaper to drive.

And so, on to the last order of business, explaining our situation to grandpa and asking if it would be completely ungrateful wretchish of us to trade in such a nice present for something that was more workable for our family. I guess I assumed that all would work out, and after he understood the current problems, would understand and let us find something better for our family. What I forgot about was grandpa's ability and drive to find answers for all the world's problems and therefore, shoot our plans right out of the water.

After a conversation, grandpa had a think on it and returned his verdict. The truck was going nowhere, because he didn't want it leaving the family. That being said (I'm quoting that), he had three options for us.

1. Keep the truck and deal!
2. Swap the truck for grandma's 2006 Honda Odyssey, and then grandma would swap auntie for her 2003 Toyota Camry.
3. Swap auntie for the Camry and drive that instead.

In this way no one incurs payments and the truck stays in the family to be used for various family matters. Apparently, grandma really dislikes her van, and has always wanted the Camry back, so they're lobbying for me to take the van, which really leaves me two choices, the van or the truck.

I know that the van holds the answers to 2 of three problems, which both are about good, usable space. Neither option is very earth friendly, so to speak, and so I'm going to have to forgo my feelings about that. The van would be plenty of space, last for years to come, and I know, it's a great solution. The problem? It's just not me. The truck makes me feel, excuse me, but bad ass. I'm from Montana, truckland. The truck is my roots and I've always felt such driving it. The van is foreign territory, the land of carpools and WalMart and grown-uphood. I don't care how hip those Honda commercials try to make it, the Odyssey is still a van, and vans, in my mind, have always been...well, vans. 'Nuf said.

I know this is a selfish debate, take the car that is actually nicer and holds the key to so many problems, or keep what I perceive as the hipper option and continue suffering. If you're reading this, comment, give me some sanity and perspective. I already know the only good answer, I just don't want to accept it. Expect an update when the final decision is made, and thanks for listening to my selfish banter. I just need to add an "ugh", for posterity and because ugh happens to be a fix all, I think. I feel better already actually.

Ugh.

Darn Skippy!

Good Morning loves!

My little Bella is romping through the kitchen, aided and abetted by our skinny little Amada cat. Apparently, finishing breakfast means you must run around the kitchen making loud banging noises as you hit cupboards and walls and whatever else lies in your path. Aidyn and Ely are doing the opposite, lounging on the couch watching an episode of their beloved Dora. Right now they are learning the importance of tools and helping friends. Aidyn just told me he needs a wrench for a present.

My coffee is hot, my feet are tucked under me, and I'm looking through two windows into the world; the one on the left shows a slightly frosty scene where cars drive by every few minutes as people head out to work, the one in front of me a small pane growing slowly with my own words. To my right lies my newest venture into literature, "Passionate Housewives Desperate for God", which is a biblical celebration of the housewife's role. So far, nothing too radical, nothing I wasn't taught growing up anyway. In my parents' house, God was first, them second, the kids third. My father worked at a job, then came home and worked out in the shed and watched the evening news and wrestled with us; my mother got up early to get some chores done, went to her job at the school where she was always close to us, came home with us, cleaned house and made dinner, helped us with homework, and completed a myriad of other chores. We were given numerous chores that rotated weekly to help out. I learned there was a definite order, everyone has a role, and the household runs smoothly. Further example for me was my grandmother, who to this day still selflessly serves all who enter her door and anyone else she can get to. When I was younger she regaled me with tales of life on the farm, how my grandpa worked in the fields all day while she made meals for the workers, gardened, cleaned house, and raised children. Every day she was up before sunrise and went to bed late, serving her household and family. When we visit Montana and stay with her, we cannot talk her out of making us meals, cleaning up after us, and generally making herself available in every way possible. To her it's not a burden, it's her calling, and she does it with gusto.

I know that many stay at home moms hate being called housewives or homemakers, as though those titles somehow demean them. I've heard women say, "I'm a domestic engineer" or "I'm a stay at home mom". Most even say it apologetically, as if they should feel sorry for not pursuing a loftier position. No matter how you dress it up or put it down, it all comes back to the same. You are the keeper of your home, the wife at home, and yes, a servant to your husband, children, and home. Tell me why one should feel bad for caring for the needs of one's family?

I understand that to some, the thought of dishes and laundry and dirty diapers and meals every day may seem dull and a waste of time. Why do laundry when you can have it sent out, why cook when you can take out, why do dishes when you can buy disposable, and why stay home when day cares abound? My simple answer, of my own heart: because I love my family and want the best for them. I don't want others to bring up my children, I don't want packaged convenience for them, and I don't want to waste a moment I will regret later. I know that other women at different places in their lives don't understand this, and I know that for some, what I just described sounds like a dream (no laundry or dishes?). I know many more may look at me and wonder what kind of satisfaction I can possibly derive from endless housework and thankless children. My answer lies in my first paragraph, which has changed slightly to this.

Ely is now sitting in my lap nursing contentedly. Aidyn is beside me, hand on my leg, answering Dora's questions. Bella and Amada have settled down together in Bella's crate, playfully batting at each other every few minutes but for the most part, content to cuddle. My coffee is almost gone, and in a moment I will need to get up, make some breakfast, and start my day of chores. I could be dressing up and rushing out the door to answer someone else's demands and spend a day at job that would probably be just as thankless, but instead I'm nestled in the comfort of my home, my home, with the loves of my life. In between laundry and closet organizing and letting Bella outside for her little constitutionals, I will chase my kids from room to room, play hide and seek, and collapse in fits of giggles with them on the couch. I will get little licks on my hand from Bella when I reach down to absent-mindedly stroke her head, snuggles from the Bean when I put her down for a nap, and share wicked little moments of humor with Aid. Quite simply, I have no desire to be anywhere but here, serving my family.

I haven't always been at this point, I remember the "desperate housewife" feeling, the oh-my-lord-what-have-I-done-with-my-life thoughts. It makes me sad to think that if I had followed that line of thinking I would be missing all of this. I don't need a higher title, or a large salary, or promotions, because I already have the greatest position anyone can have. A position that has infinite value, at least in the lives of my family. A position that has the best perks, if one includes kisses from raspberry jam coated faces and the sight of a three year old dancing around in his underwear. A position that will never get boring, because there are new games to play and songs to sing everyday. Most of all, a position of which I can be proud: raising my children into strong, intelligent people, supporting and taking care of the husband who works hard to take care of us, and making a beautiful home, filled with love and good food and happy memories, literally "laying down my life" for those that I love.

"This is my commandment, that ye love one another, as I have loved you. Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." John 15:12-13

The Red Light

Welcome to my little corner of Monday morning!

Would you like a glimpse into my house this morning? The livingroom is strewn with a mix of pillows and toys, the debris of an afternoon yesterday playing. In my kitchen, waiting to be washed, are the dishes from my breakfast with the kids, a very filling and nutritious one of scrambled eggs and grapefruit. The coffeepot is still on, with the small bit left in the bottom that will get me started off right when I decide to finish this post and begin my daily cleaning. The dog is chewing her toy in the kitchen, the cat is lounging at my feet. I can just see Aidyn from where I sit, lounging in his doorway and lining up cars. The Bean is in my lap, lazily watching a morning cartoon over my shoulder and occasionaly turning to try to add her two cents to my post, which looks a little like this: 3ddjo9i9r9.;

I can see a small stripe of blue in the sky through my window, which I hope will widen and consume the afternoon later in a dazzle of sunshine. This morning I'll be attacking my house with a frenzy, as is my usual Monday routine after a weekend of lax picking up. Actually, I just realized the time limit I gave myself for being on here is over, and so off I go to begin that. Besides, my coffee cup is empty.....

Spring has Sprung

The weather has been gorgeous lately. The mornings are crisp and frosty, but bright. The afternoons are warm and sunny, and the evenings have been cool and mild. The patches of snow become smaller by the day, and my irises have already begun to poke through the frigid bed in front of my house. The unmistakable signs of spring have, well, sprung.

This spring is different for me from most. It seems to hold more promise, more joy. Not only is the winter weather coming to a close, but the winter that has been in my heart is also thawing. My appointment is this week, and I'm tentatively optimistic that I'll soon be healthy and strong again. The sunshine has done wonders for my mood lately. I've also started several of the projects that I've looked forward to for so long. I began learning some knitting by myself from Knitting Help, and have already benefited from the relaxation it offers. Evan and I signed papers on our refinance, which means the money for a new garage and wood fence (and perhaps a little landscaping) is safely in the bank and ready when we are. Hopefully by May we'll have a snug garage and beautiful backyard that will be a haven for us. Last but certainly not least, I started putting together my Home Management Binder. I've had one for awhile, but after some research on MDC I decided that mine was sorely lacking and completely revamped it. For those of you who don't know what an HMB is, I plan to devote an entire post to it soon to enlighten you.

Other tidbits from life lately....

My sister came with her girls and shared a lovely day with me and the kiddos. We're planning on seeing each other again in May. She lives about eight hours away, so I treasure any time I get to spend with her.

Levi and Dani tied the knot on Wednesday night at The Hitching Post, which brought back fond memories of a different wedding there almost four years ago. It was sweet and simple, and I haven't seen my brother smile so much in ages.

On the not so pleasant front, I developed what I thought was a UTI, which I ignored while waiting for my new insurance to kick in. Finally, unable to take the pain, I went into urgent care yesterday, where I was told I actually had a bladder infection, and that I would be lucky to escape a kidney infection, which apparently is much more serious and requires hospitalization. Go figure. I think it's starting to get better, although my stomach is still on fire. And in the meantime I did enjoy a lovely day out with Evan and the kids, which brings me back to the weather.

Isn't the sunshine nice?

Blissful Morning

The picture on the other side of my window is a little dreary, but inside, cozy with my kids, there's nothing but sunshine. Evan had to leave early this morning, but Aidyn let me sleep until a little after six, then came and cuddled with me while light slowly entered my room. We got up, and together fed the dog and cat, let the dog outside where she wrestled momentarily with the snow, and then came in and got ourselves breakfast. Ellery woke up around 7:30, then she and her brother sat side by side on the couch and watched some Dora. Right now, as I finish up my morning computer time and drink a cup of joe, they are curled up at my feet doing a puzzle.

I know we can't always have ideallic mornings like this, but aren't they nice every once in a while?

It's Hard to Think of Somewhere Over the Rainbow When All You See is Clouds

This will be a long one....prepare thyself.

My absence from my most loved little blog is the result of two weeks chock full of mayhem and frenetic activity. I've had precious little time to myself, and that which I've been able to claim as my own has been filled as well with activities not blogging related. I've finally realized that in my quest to better myself and fill my life with productive activities that I enjoy, I've created a strained and hectic environment that is leaving me drained emotionally and physically and causes those who love me to stress for me as well. I've taken on so many new agendas all at once that I'm stretching myself thin over many activites and excelling at none. Jack of all trades, queen of none, so to speak.

Boxing is still going well, but I've had less time for it lately, which seems to double my anxiety as it takes away my greatest outlet. I actually sparred for the first time with Nalo Friday last, and surprisingly, once I overcame my qualms about actually hitting someone, was fun, albeit exhausting. The SAHM bible study is great, we started last Tuesday and the women seemed to really enjoy it. There are about nine of us, a very diverse but, I think, fantastic ensemble. I can't wait to see where it goes. The kids have recovered fully from their rounds of sickness, and now are simply going crazy being cooped up in all of this snow. Snow? What snow, you say? The two feet of snow that has fallen in the last week, says I. Yes, snow that comes up to my waist, closed down several school districts and colleges, and left the vast majority of my city attempting to shovel themselves out of their streets mainly to become trapt a short time later on a different one. Humorous in many ways, annoying in more.

My emotional dilemna is peaking as this situation continues. The anxiety and depression that have been nagging for some months have begun manifesting themselves in a plethora of physical maladies that weigh me down even further. In the last three days I have a knot of heartburn in my chest that sometimes threatens to take over breathing that will not go away, and for the last week or two I've had a parade of headaches. Further, physically, I literally feel that my body is close to shutting down completely, too paranoid and tired to do anything more than heave a sigh and give up. The sad thing is, in this emotional haze I find myself in, I think I would welcome the peace that would offer.

The smallest incident lately has become a breaking point for me. Like tonight, a neighbor walked over and in a rather rude way, ordered us to move our car from in front of his home like we were on private property and not a public street. Rather than laugh at the audacity of some people with Evan and then shake it off, it sent me into a tailspin that resulted in tears, more heartburn, a frenzied phonecall to Tracy, and finally, locking myself in my room with only my computer as company because the sights and sounds of my house and those in it suddenly seemed too much.

I'm writing this down so that in a moment of clarity, when I've convinced myself that I am indeed going to survive and will be okay, I will remember, and perhaps, will take steps to prevent it from happening again. I'm locked in a vicious cycle where the despair triggers a call for help, but by the time the call is answered, I'm out of the danger zone and do too good of a job convincing myself and my would be support that I'm dandy. Perhaps if I can remember the pain and the longing and the burden of now, I will be more ready to help myself when the time comes that I can logically and honestly do that.

With that off of my chest and out of my mind, we now return to your regularly scheduled meaningless drivel. My brother is in town right now, he was supposed to be here for two days, but because of the snow, has been trapped here for four, a situation that is okay with me. I've enjoyed the time I've been able to spend with him. He'll be leaving in the morning, however. I bought 48 prefolds and some new wool longies from DiaperSwappers this week, which should really cut down on my diaper laundry. I plan to add some new covers soon as well, and I've been searching yarns and patterns for my first foray into knitting, which I think will be a soaker. I'm hoping it will prove to be a relaxing way to keep my hands and mind at peace, if only for a few minutes each day. I will also soon be ordering seeds for my garden and worms for my compost bins, as we continue into a greener and simplified lifestyle.

Peace. Peace is what I lack. Peace is what I yearn for. A peace that fills the troubled rooms of my mind and offers my aching heart rest. For now, the most I can muster is the gratitude for the small blessings that mean so much: a husband who cares enough to love me in spite of my shortcomings, children who smile even in my lowest moments, and friends who listen. I send out my thanks to the cosmic beyond and He who listens there, and know that someday, perhaps soon, peace will follow.

You've Got To Be Kidding Me....

The last three or four days have been, well, interesting. I've been away from my computer mostly as I tackled training a puppy, dealing with a sick kid, preparing for and starting my new study, and dealing with my own emotional racket, as well as the myriad of other day to day projects I do regularly.

And so, in that order....

The puppy is doing pretty well as far as potty and crate training. She's had a few accidents, but all were due to our own lapse in not getting her out the door quick enough. She will actually squat outside even when she doesn't really have to go, as if she knows that she's supposed to. She's mostly sleeping through the night already, a fact Evan appreciates as he was the one getting up in the night with her.

Ely gave us a big scare on Tuesday night. I had gone to pick up Dani from work and as we sat waiting, humming along to radio and generally just being bored, Ely suddenly went from placid to crazy. She started this guttural, grunting screaming, clawing at her seat buckle, and shaking. I lunged back to get her out and she started vomiting this clear/white foam, so I grabbed a towel laying in the back seat and held it under her, then she, well, passed out. I shook her, said her name, and she opened her eyes briefly with this drunken kind of look, then went back to sleep. We went immediately to the hospital, where we were told it must be the flu, since she had a 102 temp. I tried to tell them, no, she's not been sick, but they said just watch her and sent us home. Needless to say, I did some research and we've come to the conclusion that she probably had a febrile seizure, which occur in about 1 in 25 kids and are a result of a high temperature. They don't leave any lasting damage and are mainly the body's way of dealing with the stress of a temp. So from now on we'll watch her when she has a fever and hope it never happens again. Today and yesterday she's been fine. Flu, my.....

The bible study was awesome! We didn't have as good a turnout as we'd hoped, but we had fun regardless and there are several more women interested for next week!

Lastly, I've been dealing with my own emotional problems, mostly to do with anxiety. I'm not sure I'm ready to discuss it yet, so we'll leave it at that.

Since I've been away for a few days, I decided to fill you in on the last few days in a photo montage form...

Ely laying on the couch with her fever.

Amada and Bella playing in the vacuum cord.

Aidyn changing baby's diaper.

Bella watching TV, no joke.

Bella coming at ya!

Aidyn strolling Bella.

Naked Ely!

Bella and mommy cuddles.

I'm this happy, see?

Yippy ki yay....

Rendezvous!

And to further fulfil my goals, the topic material for the bible study I am leading is decided on!

I picked one called Rendezvous: Joy Ride. It's a study of Phillipians done in a very upbeat, lighthearted tone; the main purpose is to build relationships, have fun, and teach about the quality of joy. We'll be meeting every Tuesday from 9AM-11AM at the church a few blocks down from my house.

This group is mainly going to be SAHMs. I'm so excited to be able to lead it. A few years ago, I was one of those new, lonely moms cooped up in a house with no friends. Now to be able to help others in that position is an amazing feeling! I don't think anyone who hasn't been there can understand how hard it is to spend your days with tiny people who don't understand reason and know only a handful of words, how isolating it can be to stay home day after day, and how trying it is to try to make friends who have kids that also get along with yours. I've met women who I clicked with only to find our kids couldn't stand each other, and then found kids that my kids adore, only to find I don't want to spend five minutes in the mother's company.

I wouldn't trade this gig for any other, but it is very stressful, and sometimes it's nice to be able to connect with someone else feeling those struggles and emotions, even if just for an hour or two a week. That is what this group will be about. A place to unburden, to get a dose of feel good for the rest of the week. I can't wait for it to start!

Snowbound....

One week down, fifty or so more to go. So far I've done fairly well in my goals. I'm in the midst of setting up a bible study, eating better all the time, boxed three times last week, and came close to following every day on my chore chart. I even drank more water (mostly in relation to the boxing though).

Joia still isn't here, due to the unfortunate weather we've been having. And when I say unfortunate I mean God-please-make-the-snow-stop! We're hoping maybe Wednesday or Thursday when this system lets up. In the meantime, we have had some fun in the snow. We took the kiddos sledding in Sunday, which was an interesting affair. Aidyn decided that he'd rather stand at the top of the hill and throw snowballs down, Ely bean giggled like a madwoman and otherwise flopped around in her ginormous snowsuit, Evan ate it several times while going facefirst, and I almost cracked my tailbone when I decided to do a little extreme sledding. By extreme I mean the hill was about five feet high, but had a deadly drop covered by light fluffy snow. It wasn't so light and fluffy when my butt hit it. Ouch!

I joined a knitting club, which meets every other Sunday. I'm super excited to learn how and start turning out longies and soakers and sweaters and blankets and scarves....well, the list could go on and on really.

Today I'm going to retool my blog. The green and blue are wearing on me a bit, I think I just need a change. Maybe something a bit more uncluttered to match my goals for this year.

New Beginnings and Old Ideas....

I know we're technically a few days into this year, but here it is, complete, my list of 2008's goals to accomplish. I don't like the word resolutions, because I think situations change, and so your goals should be flexible so they can change too. At the bottom of my actual list that will be printed out and kept in my journal, I've left a large space to add or change ideas through the year. I've also decided that I will record the dates next to these of days when that particular goal was achieved or maybe just added something to my life that made me smile. The entire list will be a journal and record of my year, full of tears and struggles and (I hope) great joy. This time next year I hope to look back and see the change in my family and life.

And so, without further ado, my plans and hopes for the year 2008:

~ 2008 ~
I commit myself to a healthier, more natural, uncluttered, and harmonious lifestyle. I will be a conscious and caring wife, a gentle, fun, and focused mom, and provide a beautiful, warm home for my family free of unnecessary junk and feelings. This year I commit myself to making my life exactly what I want it to be, and in the process, better for my family.

For My Health –
1. Box three nights a week, try to get a night or two of personal training a month.
2. Drink more water, cut out all soda.
3. Focus on eating healthier and more often.
4. Take healthy snacks and water everywhere to reduce unhealthy munching when out.
For Our Home-
1. Cut the clutter.
2. Plan out meals and buy weekly groceries accordingly.
3. Make a chore schedule and stick to it.
4. Try one new meal every two weeks.
5. Buy more houseplants.
6. Repair tiles in the hall.
7. Keep the yard neater.
8. Find a way to spruce up the older furniture (cover and pillows for the couch, etc)
9. Build a garage and fence this Spring.
10. Add homey touches that are inexpensive but beautiful.
11. Organize all paperwork into easily manageable system.
12. Keep up on laundry (washing, drying, folding, hanging).
13. Organize downstairs and closets.
14. Create space for paperwork, crafts, etc., and keep it clean.
15. Stay on top of recycling and garbage.
For Evan –
1. Let him take more naps and sleep in more without a surly attitude.
2. Make it a point to ask him how his day was.
3. Support him in his eating healthier and working out more, offer more encouragement.
4. Make sure there is money in savings every few months for him to buy his supplements.
5. Learn more about his goals and what goes into making them a reality.
6. Talk more, love more, make love more.
7. Don’t take my negative feelings out on him, instead let him help me feel better.
8. Don’t argue about things that don’t really matter, and talk out the things that do.
For Our Budget –
1. Pay off all debt except house by March.
2. Eliminate credit spending by saving instead for big purchases.
3. Give more back (tithe, Children International, other charities).
4. Cut out unnecessary spending.
5. Send all bills out on time.
For Our Kids –
1. Lay a foundation for the kids’ schooling by intentionally creating fun learning times.
2. Plan one field trip a week strictly for them.
3. Hug them more.
4. Replace some TV every day with mommy play time.
5. Lay a better spiritual foundation for them.
6. Find a better bedtime routine and stick to it.
For Our Pets –
1. Start a raw, natural diet.
2. Stick to their feeding schedule.
3. Brush, groom, etc.
4. Take Joia on walks every few days.
5. Keep up to date on shots.
For Myself –
1. Live Simply.
2. Drink more water.
3. Spend less time watching life through my computer screen and more out enjoying it.
4. Take care of what I have
5. Get a tattoo.
6. Eat fast food a max of once every three months.
7. Love my kids and husband more and myself less.
8. Send birthday cards.
9. Learn to knit and make the kids longies and soakers.
10. Stay on top of accountability meetings and homework.
11. Focus on being a better homemaker, wife, and mother.
12. Do more of what I enjoy – reading, sewing, etc.
13. Start a garden with my kids.
14. Learn from my mistakes.
15. Start a journal.
16. Blog at least four times a week.
17. Be a better friend.
18. Be willing.
19. Take time to focus.
20. Take at least one bubble bath a week.
21. Clean my car out once a week.
22. Learn patience, grace, and to say sorry.
23. Get involved in something new.
24. Try four new things before the year is over, including rock climbing.
25. Bake more.
26. Cry when I need to, don’t hold it in.
27. Drink more tea.
For Our Faith –
1. Do a devotional, then another.
2. Go to class with Evan to work our way through the Bible.
3. Start teaching SAHM Bible study.
4. Be regular about going to church.
For Baby Bean –
1. Refocus and decide on a path of action.
2. Learn about Baby Fair and decide on entering.

*I reserve the right to reword, add to, or otherwise edit this list in the future upon any whim I may have. I refuse to give up coffee or chocolate for any reason, and will not negotiate my right to a few select days a month of hormonal outbursts free of guilt.

It's Almost that Time...

I decided to do it! Next week I will officially be joining the Spokane Boxing Club, where I will take classes with Tracy's husband Nalo. Boxing is one of the best lean muscle/aerobic exercises you can get, and I hope that three nights a week will help me tone up the areas that jiggle a little too much for my liking. Best of all, Tracy has decided to do it with me, so I get to learn with her. We did a practice session on Friday, and I was sore for days after. It really kicked my butt!

I'm finally done with Christmas shopping as well (WOOHOO!), so no last minute shopping this year. All my presents are wrapped and stacked neatly in my bedroom awaiting delivery.

Ellery is finally feeling better, she was in a horrible mood most of the weekend. I think Aidyn managed not to get it this time, so hopefully the holidays will be pleasant and relaxing with no sick kiddos.

Tonight I'm off to look for some wool covers, I've decided to invest in some for a more economical diaper solution. More on that at a later date....

That's all I have to report for now!

This, that, and the kitchen sink....

Good frosty morning!

I love the morning after a snowfall, when you look outside and the world is white and glittering. It seems so fresh and quiet. As I shoveled my walk this morning, I savored the few minutes to myself in the darkness, nothing but the sound of my shovel, everything around me still and beautiful. I love this time of year!

I've been spending quite a bit of time on MDC. I ended up making a contribution, which means they gave me some added features, like adding an avatar (I used a photo of Tracy's that I love), improved profile, more inbox space, and the one I like best, a cooler siggy! I've been getting so many good ideas from the women on there, and I've even managed to meet some moms from Spokane! We're planning to get together and meet after the holidays. Fun!

Ely girl is feeling sickly today, she spent most of last night trying to hack up a lung. We were going to go hang out with our friend Becky today, but decided we better skip it, so today will be an indoor, relaxing type of day I think. I have to go brave the post office (I hate the PO during the holidays) and get my oil changed this afternoon. This weekend is full of activites we've committed to, including a graduation party, a night at our friends' house, church (of course), and a birthday party. Whew!

I plan on updating the recipe of the week later today. Yes, I'm well aware that it has been orange rolls for the better part of two months....sue me. I think maybe I'll just rename it the "Recipe of the whenever I feel like changing it".

Sounds Like A Case of The Mondays!

Do you ever have days where it seems like nothing goes right and everything you touch fizzles and dies? Boy did I have a whopper yesterday. So bad that upon waking up this morning, I ran a mental review to assess exactly what I did that started the landslide that was my life yesterday. The first mistake was breakfast, or lack thereof as I immediately began my chores without so much as a multi vitamin in my stomach. Which is why this morning finds me with a large protein shake and yogurt (and a multi vitamin!) sitting calmly at my keyboard before the momentum of my day picks up.

So why was yesterday such a bomb, you ask? Well, let me enlighten you....

It started in a jumble as I tried to multitask the cleaning of my weekend-messy home and keeping up with kids. Nothing too bad. When naps came I swapped my usual half hour down time for laundry, power cleaning, organising some closets, and wrapping more Christmas presents. Feeling a great sense of accomplishment, I finished just in time to go scoop Ely out of her crib and cuddle her for a moment before her brother's door opened and heralded the official end of nap time.

From here, things begin to get hazy, but I believe it started with the tempers. The usual rosy, sleepy smiles that follow nap time were replaced by angry eyebrows and some serious whining. It continued for three hours. I had planned to take some candids of the kids in these cute little antlers so I could get my Christmas cards ordered. Not one to be deterred, I pressed on. I was nearly crying by the end of twenty minutes. They tore the antlers off, ran away, cried, and generally raised havoc.

A good depiction of our photo shoot.

Aidyn actually pooped right in the middle, so I took a break to change his diaper. Right as I was done, they actually sat down, so I grabbed up my camera and tried to snap a few before they ran in all directions again. I did manage to grab a decent shot before Ely ran away, straight into the diaper I'd left on the floor when I snatched the camera back up. Not only did she run into it, she picked it up and started flinging it around. Needless to say, a bath followed. In the bath, Aidyn, for reasons known only to himself, bit Ely's finger...hard. She retaliated by pinching him. No ordinary pinch, a pinch that lasted two minutes and took both Dani and myself to pry off. And so, the kids exited the bath screaming. I thought, well, they just need a little drink. Aidyn requested juice, which he hadn't had for several days, so I went to get some and discovered we were out. Milk? No, juice. Water? No, juice. I improvised with watered down Crystal Light. I took a quick trip to the bathroom to drain the tub, and returned to the living room to discover what happens when two naughty children take the lids off of their cups and empty the contents onto the nice off white carpet. At this point, I actually did cry. Twenty minutes of scrubbing turned the big red puddle into a big pink puddle. It was shortly after this I called Evan and told him in no uncertain terms to come home. We ordered pizza because mama did not feel like cooking after her day, and I spent the rest of the night trying to unwind enough to be able to sleep. A little cuddling and TV with Ev after the kids were in bed did the job, and I woke up this morning with new optimism...which brings us to right now!

A few nights ago we had Evan's Christmas party, which I looked killer for BTW. It was a lot of fun, and he actually won a door prize, a really nice fishing reel. After we went out with some of his co-workers and danced for awhile. Sunday morning we went to church and then brunch, as usual, but I left early with a migraine. I actually had to have someone else drive me home (Evan was working end of month) and watch the kids because I couldn't even see straight. I've been having these recently and am starting to wonder if I should perhaps mosey into my doctor's office and get checked over. In other recent news, the rain from yesterday melted all of my beautiful snow and I opened my door this morning to a rather Spring looking scene. Bah Humbug!

Anyway, hope your Christmas season is going well, with or without snow!

A Not So Very Busy Day

Another cold and brisk morning. I plan on enjoying this day to it's fullest, no chores, no "have to's", just kids and fun and relaxing. So far we've drug our pillows and blankets out to the living room and spent the morning singing along to Dora and having a couch picnic of our favorite cereals and milk. Perhaps later we'll make some cookies, or just lay on the floor playing and coloring. Who knows, we may even feel adventurous and wander outside to build a snowman!

Tomorrow will be a busy day. Evan has to work, and I have all of my usual day to day stuff, as well as a hair appointment and getting ready for a snazzy Christmas party. We haven't gone previously, but Evan's boss told him that it's about time he put in an appearance for the higher ups, so off we go. I'm not sure what I'm doing with my hair, other than a hairstyle for the party. I need some color, but I don't know if I'll do more pink or keep it darker and simpler this time. I love the pink, but since it's winter, I feel like darker colors might be more appropriate. Guess I'll decide tomorrow :)