This week has been dedicated to my peace a mind and emotional well being, two attributes which have been decidedly lacking in light of recent events. Since the death of my father I've had a very hard time dealing with emotionally charged situations. I either freak out erratically, or fail to process altogether. My husband can account for my sometimes strange, or as he terms it "backassward", behavior in high stress situations. I think the problem is I put on a good show of coping; I will talk about how I feel and try to work things out in a manner that is most convincing, but hold back my true feelings and pen it up inside until it simply bursts out in a spew of uncontrollable emotion.
So this week, having recognized this strange cycle I put myself through, I did the exact opposite of my usual instincts (which would be to jump back into routine and quash my feelings while at the same time putting on a good outward face) and just....STOPPED. I didn't do hardly any chores, I spent time just sitting and reading with no TV or computer, I didn't worry about Baby Bean, and I relaxed. No errands, no vacuuming, nothing. It was glorious and disturbing at the same time. Glorious as I rarely take time to just sit without laundry to fold or a computer in my lap. Disturbing in the fact that with all this time on my hands and mind, I actually had to deal with the torrent of feelings that have been building in me recently. Feelings of sadness and regret over the death of my uncle, the guilt and inadequacy that every mother knows, shining hope mixed with doubt concerning my business venture. The nice thing is, as hard as the past few days have been, I feel like I've made some headway.
Over the next few days I am going to get back into my comfortable routine, secure now that it won't be a cover up for my overwrought emotions. The plan is to return to a calm state of mind so that I can thoroughly enjoy my anniversary with Evan on Sunday. I promise, this blog will soon return to it's former state of daily random chatter.